Charlie Rose

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Charlie Rose… Taran Killam

James Mitchell… Bobby Moynihan

Bruce Jessen… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Charlie Rose intro]

Announcer: From our studios in New York city, this is Charlie Rose.

[Cut to Charlie Rose in his set.] [cheers and applause]

Charlie Rose: Good evening and welcome to program this week. Senate democrats release their reports of the CIA’s use of torture. Which is a subject that is near and dear to my heart as a man who has been isolated in a dark room for the past 20 years. The report is like a menu from the cheesecake factory. 600 pages of sickening details and yet I couldn’t put it down. Perhaps the most shocking revelation was that two clinical psychologists were paid over $80 million to brainstorm types of torture that CIA could use. Joining us tonight are those two psychologists, [Cut to James Mitchell and Bruce Jessen] James Mitchell and Bruce Jessen.

James Mitchell: Thank you for having us, Charlie.

Bruce Jessen: Really great to get our names out there.

[Cut to Charlie Rose, James Mitchell and Bruce Jessen]

Charlie Rose: Now, you two were the architects for this entire CIA program.

James Mitchell: Correct. We were hired as consultants and helped create it.

[Cut to Charlie Rose]

Charlie Rose: All the torture techniques we’ve been reading about, that was you guys?

[Cut to James Mitchell and Bruce Jessen]

James Mitchell: Well it was a team effort, obviously. I mean, there’s no ‘I’ in torture, so.

Bruce Jessen: There are eyes sometimes. You know, you get the point.

[Cut to Charlie Rose]

Charlie Rose: [laughing] I do. And for your work, the government paid you $80 million. That’s a lot of money.

[Cut to James Mitchell and Bruce Jessen]

Bruce Jessen: Yes, Charlie, but you have to remember, that’s divided two ways.

[Cut to Charlie Rose] Charlie Rose: Of course. Now, are you surprised by the public outcry that’s come from what you’ve done?

[Cut to James Mitchell and Bruce Jessen]

James Mitchell: We are. It’s upsetting and honestly, we’re just afraid that people will only judge us from our CIA work.

Bruce Jessen: Yeah, we don’t wanna get pigeon hold.

James Mitchell: No, we don’t wanna be known just as “The rectal feeding guys.”

Bruce Jessen: Because CIA torture, it’s only a very small part of what we do.

[Cut to Charlie Rose]

Charlie Rose: Oh, I see. I see you have other clients as well?

[Cut to James Mitchell and Bruce Jessen]

James Mitchell: Oh, definitely. We’re consultants for some of the top corporations in America.

Bruce Jessen: For example, are you familiar with Time Warner cable?

[Cut to Charlie Rose]

Charlie Rose: You work with Time Warner?

[Cut to James Mitchell and Bruce Jessen]

Bruce Jessen: We do all their customer service.

James Mitchell: It was our idea that when you call on the phone, you have to ask a robot to speak to a human.

Bruce Jessen: Oh, and when it starts with ‘Marque Tos’ for Espanol, that’s not really a thing.

James Mitchell: Yeah, if you press two, it just hangs up. We were also the ones who approached coach Cowher to do those Time Warner commercials. Have you seen those?

[Cut to Charlie Rose]

Charlie Rose: Yes, I have. They are torture.

[Cut to James Mitchell and Bruce Jessen]

James Mitchell: Exactly.

[Cut to Charlie Rose]

Charlie Rose: Tell me, how did this all start?

[Cut to James Mitchell and Bruce Jessen]

Bruce Jessen: Well, we got our big break working with the TSA. That thing, where you have to take your laptop and your bag for security. How did people fall for that one?

James Mitchell: I mean, what? The X-rays can’t go through a bag? [laughing] We never thought we’d get away with that.

[Cut to Charlie Rose]

Charlie Rose: So, your handy work is nearly everywhere.

[Cut to James Mitchell and Bruce Jessen]

James Mitchell: Oh, yeah. From small projects like one man shows.

Bruce Jessen: We invented one man shows.

James Mitchell: Yeah, to larger projects like grocery stores.

[Cut to Charlie Rose]

Charlie Rose: Grocery stores?

[Cut to James Mitchell and Bruce Jessen]

Bruce Jessen: Yes. We created the concept of self check-out.

[Cut to Charlie Rose]

Charlie Rose: Now, doesn’t that help people?

[Cut to James Mitchell and Bruce Jessen]

James Mitchell: You see, that’s the beauty of it. People don’t even realize it’s a actually torture.

Bruce Jessen: You unpack your own groceries, scan them yourself all while a human cashier is standing five feet away watching you. Then, right when you think the payment went through, the screen says, “See Cashier.”

James Mitchell: I mean, [laughing] that’s genius.

[Cut to Charlie Rose]

Charlie Rose: It is. It is very creative.

[Cut to James Mitchell an Bruce Jessen] Bruce Jessen: Exactly. So, do we judge just on CIA stuff, it seems pretty unfair.

James Mitchell: Yeah, when people say torture, they think of some guy chained to a wall naked in a cold dark room.

Bruce Jessen: Yeah, some medieval torture with a black hood on.

James Mitchell: And don’t get me wrong, we use hoods.

Bruce Jessen: You gotta use a hood.

James Mitchell: Oh, you got to!

Bruce Jessen: But that’s not our main thing.

James Mitchell: After all, there’s more than one way to skin a cat.

Bruce Jessen: In fact, we know the exact number.

James Mitchell: It’s 19. Also, just so people don’t get the wrong idea, we do probono work as well.

[Cut to Charlie Rose]

Charlie Rose: You mean, charities?

[Cut to James Mitchell an Bruce Jessen]

James Mitchell: Yeah, like…

[singing] 1877 kars for kids

K-A-R-S kars for kids

That’s us too. So, you’re welcome kids. Or, kars. We’re not really sure how that charity works.

[Cut to Charlie Rose]

Charlie Rose: Um, looking back, any regrets?

[Cut to James Mitchell an Bruce Jessen]

Bruce Jessen: Regrets? Hmm.

James Mitchell: I mean, not really. Well, maybe auto-correct.

[Cut to Charlie Rose]

Charlie Rose: Auto-correct? Really? That was you guys?

[Cut to James Mitchell an Bruce Jessen]

James Mitchell: It sure ducking was.

[Cut to Charlie Rose]

Charlie Rose: Alright, lets take a break. When we come back, I’ll read a passage and they have to guess whether it’s from CIA torture report or one of those hacked emails from Sony.

[Cut to James Mitchell an Bruce Jessen]

James Mitchell: Oh, that’s gonna be fun.

[Cut to Charlie Rose]

Charlie Rose: Oh! And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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