Candy Crowley… Aidy Bryant
Roger Goodwell… Chris Pratt
Ray Lewis… Kenan Thompson
Shannon Sharpe… Jay Pharoah[Starts with State of the Union intro]
Candy Crowley: Welcome to the State of the Union. I’m Candy Crowley. Tonight the NFL in crisis. Recent incidents of abuse from Ray Rice and Adrian Peterson have taken a toll on the league. Now, I’ll confess. I don’t know a lot about football. My Sundays are reserved for candy time. I read Nora Roberts novels while I crack team of Korean ladies rehabilitate my feet. But even I know that this league is in trouble. Earlier today, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell tried to take control of things with yet another press conference. Take a look.[Cut to Roger Goodwell in press conference.]
Roger Goodwell: Now, this has been a tough couple of weeks. but in times of trouble you learn who your friends are. So, I want to thank all the people who stood by me. Red Skin’s owner, Dan Snyder. Michael Vick. And Saint’s coach Sean Payton for not holding me to the same standard that I held him. I appreciate it.[Cut to Candy Crowley]
Candy Crowley: Woof! Joining me now are two NFL veterans former Ravens line backer, Ray Lewis.[Cut to Ray Lewis]
Ray Lewis: Let’s talk about this, Candy.[Cut to Candy Crowley]
Candy Crowley: And Hall of famer, Shannon Sharpe.
Shannon Sharpe: Thank you Candy. It is just absolutely a pleasure to be here. It is.[Cut to Candy Crowley, Ray Lewis and Shannon Sharpe]
Candy Crowley: Alright, first let’s talk about Adrian Peterson who is under investigation for child abuse. [Cut to Candy Crowley] Ray Lewis, you’re a parent. Have you felt you went too far in disciplining your own child?[Cut to Ray Lewis]
Ray Lewis: Well, Candy, Children need education. And one way for them to receive that is by going to school. You wake up, you feed the child, get the child dressed, send them off.[Cut to Candy Crowley]
Candy Crowley: Okay, yes. But I’m asking about you. Have you ever used corporal punishment on a child?[Cut to Ray Lewis]
Ray Lewis: A child has a book bag, lunch box, brand new clothes, and I provide those things. So, when you’re talking about teaching somebody something, that’s where we’re paying attention to.[Cut to Candy Crowley]
Candy Crowley: Yes, but what I’m asking is what about you? Have you ever had, say, a legal problem that might have disrupted your team?
Ray Lewis: I know what you’re getting at. And let me be perfectly clear. School buses are yellow. Sometimes, orange, depends. The bus pulls up, child gets on, child gets off to school.[Cut to Candy Crowley]
Candy Crowley: Okay, Shannon Sharpe, is this a common problem in the NFL? Have you ever had legal troubles with yourself with a spouse or a child?[Cut to Shannon Sharpe]
Shannon Sharpe: Candy, let me just tell you something. Okay, I have never had any legal trouble of my own, dating all the way back to Roger Goodwell0Candy Crowley0, well I did have some legal troubles. So, yes, yes. Hmm, hmm.[Cut to Candy Crowley]
Candy Crowley: Mr. Sharpe, why is this such an ongoing problem?[Cut to Shannon Sharpe]
Shannon Sharpe: Well, well, um-hmm, I believe that– Candy, players in NFL are trained to be aggressive. Okay, when you get off that field, you’re full of adrenaline, testosterone, painkillers and butt like line. Okay? The NFL needs to calm these players down. You know, maybe have some herbal tea. You know the possibility go to infinity, Candy. Ha-ha-ha-ha.[Cut to Candy Crowley]
Candy Crowley: Alright, let’s look at another clip from Roger Goodwell who I think announced more steps the NFL is taking on domestic abuse.
Roger Goodwell: We want to be part of the solution. So, the NFL is organizing it’s own “Take back the night!” march on October 8th. What this says is we fight women. Oh! Excuse, me. We fight FOR women. We fight for different women? No? Oh! Yeah, of course not. I’m so sorry.[Cut to Candy Crowley]
Candy Crowley: Whatever Goodwell is saying, he’s certainly firm about it. Ray Lewis, I’ve just been told that you did have some legal trouble when you were arrested in Roger Goodwell000. Is this a systemic problem?[Cut to Ray Lewis]
Ray Lewis: School bus pulls up, child goes inside.[Cut to Ray Lewis and Shannon Sharpe]
Shannon Sharpe: Candy, Candy! Can I cut, I’m asking something.[cut to Candy Crowley]
Candy Crowley: Um, yes. I’m sorry. Mr. Sharpe, did your bow-tie just get bigger?
Shannon Sharpe: Okay, Candy, this is a wide issue, okay? And NFL can’t possibly solve it. So, I’m looking forward to all this being solved by the NFL very soon. Yes, I am. Ha-ha-ha.[Cut to Candy Crowley]
Candy Crowley: Alright, let’s take a break to sort this out, but first, Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!