Dr. Dave… Kenan Thompson
Malissa Obright… Cameron Diaz
Terry… Jay Pharoah[Starts with picture slideshow of Dr. Dave with a monkey] [Cut to Dr. Dave and Buggles’ Animal Hour video bumper] [Cut to Dr. Dave in jungle with a monkey in the cage.]
Dr. Dave: Welcome back to Dr. Dave and Buggles’ Animal Hour. Don’t know if you watched last week but this little guy ripped my dong and balls off and then threw them as hard as he could. So, I’m not super pumped about doing the show anymore. My interest in animals is 100% gone. They’re just dead eyed little monsters. But still got nine shows left on the contract. So, here I am sitting side by side with my former best friend, now least favorite guy on earth, how you doing you little dumbass?[Cut to the monkey chewing gum.] [Cut to Dr. Dave and the monkey]
Today we’ve got Malissa Obright from the San Diego Zoo with a lemur. So, let’s just muscle through this.[Cut Malissa Obright walking in with a lemur.][ There is a guy on a ladder doing something.]
Malissa Obright: Hello, Dr. Dave.
Dr. Dave: Oh, hey. How you doing?[There is a guy on a ladder doing something.]
Malissa Obright: Oh, what’s going on over there?[Cut to Dr. Dave and Malissa Obright]
Dr. Dave: Oh, they’re just fixing the exit sign. So, tell me about your lemur here.
Malissa Obright: Well, lemurs like to eat fruits, flowers and tree bark. Although, Pepper here hasn’t eaten all of her dinner yet. So, well, he’s a little agitated.[Cut to Dr. Dave and Malissa Obright]
Dr. Dave: Little agitated, huh? Well, I don’t now if you saw last week’s show, [Cut to Dr. Dave and the monkey] but this guy ripped my wang clean off. And then whipped it up there against that exit sign, pounded that thing so hard it fell down.[Cut to Malissa Obright]
Malissa Obright: At least he didn’t eat them.[Cut to Dr. Dave]
Dr. Dave: Oh, I’m so sick of hearing that. [clapping] Wow! Yay! Awesome! So glad he just chucked them as hard as he could at an exit sign. How is it going Terry?[Cut to Terry]
Terry: Oh! It’s great. I’m really reinforcing this, so it won’t fall down next time the nuts hit it.[Cut to Dr. Dave]
Dr. Dave: It’s not gonna happen again.
Malissa Obright: Dave, are you okay?
Dr. Dave: Yes! I mean everything is reattached. All these stupid doctors were all high-fiving when I was on my way out like they did something miracle. I get home, and the thing falls right off. I shook it off my pants leg, and accidentally stepped on it. Had to go right back in there.[Cut to Malissa Obright and Dr. Dave]
So, what’s the worst thing that this guy has ever done?
Malissa Obright: Oh! [Cut to Malissa Obright] Um, I’ve never been asked that question. I guess, sometimes, they can be a little rascal and steal each other’s fruit, you know?[Cut to Dr. Dave and the monkey.]
Dr. Dave: Oh, steal each other’s fruit. Okay, coz, this little dick weed cranked my junk off my body, took the time to wave them around in front of me, made me grab at them and miss, and then he just kicks back like Nolan Ryan, looking at me with that little grin, and I’m going, “Please don’t, man. Please don’t.” And he just fires away and blast the exit sign right out the ceiling.[Cut to Malissa Obright and Dr. Dave]
Malissa Obright: That is awful. I mean, like, really shocking.
Dr. Dave: Oh! It’s fine. [Cut to Dr. Dave and the monkey] Apparently, our ratings have quadrupled. People just tuning in everyday to see if this guy’s gonna rip off my ding dong again.[Cut to Malissa Obright]
Malissa Obright: Well, I bet they also wanna hear facts about lemurs. Did you know that lemurs sometime respond to music? Pepper here loves dancing to the band 5 seconds of summer. Isn’t that right, Pepper? You like them, don’t you? Yes, you do, sweet pepper.[Cut to Dr. Dave. The monkey is not in the cage.]
Dr. Dave: Yes, sweet Pepper likes 5 seconds of summer, that’s nice. You know, ever since this little guy started listening to One Direction– [Dr. Dave looks at the empty cage] Oh, no! Okay, well, we’ll be right back.[Cut to Malissa Obright and Dr. Dave]
Oh, man! That little guy could be anywhere. He’s so fast and strong. And he loves to rip off nuts. Oh, where did he go?[Cut to Dr. Dave and Buggles’ Animal Hour video bumper]