Geoff’s Halloween Emporium

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Venessa Bayer

Cecily Strong

Geoff Davies… Jim Carrey

[Starts with a clip of Geoff’s Halloween Emporium] [Cut to Venessa and Cecily. They are chewing gum.]

Venessa: Halloween’s coming. The spookiest time of the year.

[An animated cartoon bat flies over them]

Cecily: Woah! Bat!

Venessa: Whoa!

Cecily: That’s scary. What’s even scarier are the low, low prices…

Venessa and Cecily: At Geoff’s Halloween Emporium.

[lightning effect from the windown]

Venessa and Cecily: [acting scared] Ah!

Venessa: Geoff’s has been leading Halloween super store in the greater Appleton, Wisconsin area since 1997.

Cecily: Geoff’s is owned and operated by Appleton’s very own, Geoff Davies, who made hotlines couple of years ago when me must have rung with an old voodoo book and got himself possessed by a demon.

Venessa: But, even though his body was taken over by the demon Galadriel from hell, he’s still committed to running Wisconsin’s best Halloween super store.

[Geoff stand up behind Venessa and Cecily]

Geoff: [in demonic voice] Did you tell them about the glitter lashes?

Venessa: Yeah! We’re getting there, Geoff.

Cecily: We got glitter lashes, feather lashes.

Venessa: Glow lashes.

Geoff: Please, tell them about the glitter lashes.

Cecily: Geoff! I literally just said glitter lashes. Okay, thanks for paying attention, Geoff.

[Geoff holds Venessa’s mouth and pulls her near]

Geoff: Bear my spine.

Venessa: Geoff. Ew!

Geoff: Bear the dog, princess Kane.

Cecily: Okay, Geoff. Stop being gross. Don’t you have some merch to go mark down?

Venessa: Geez!

[Geoff shows the clipboard. It has the animation of going inside a fiery hole.]

Geoff: This is my home. You guys wanna come over?

Venessa: Okay, Geoff. We know you have access to hell. Big whoop!

Geoff: Do no forget to mention the sexy Hunger Games costumes.

Cecily: Geoff, we’re about to.

Venessa: Yeah, Geoff.

Geoff: [screams] Sexy Hunger Games.

Venessa: We’ve got the biggest selection of sexy Hunger Games costumes you could ask for. Sexy Katniss Everdeen. Sexy her sister.

Cecily: Sexy Woody Harrelson. Sexy Tracker Jacker.

[Geoff starts throwing up blood over Venessa and Cecily]

Venessa: Ew! Geoff. So, don’t walk, drive to Geoff’s Halloween Emporium.

Cecily: And remember our slogan.

Geoff: Your lord will fall to the darkness inside me.

Venessa: Geoff!

Geoff: What? I thought we nailed it.

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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