Janelle… Sasheer Zamata
Arla… Pete Davidson
Reaper… Jay Pharoah
Tombstones… Bobby Moynihan, Kate McKinnon
Phil… Jim Carrey
Paul… Taran Killam
[Starts with a video clip of graveyard.]
Janelle: Arla, this place is creeping me out.
[Cut to Janelle and Arla walking with a 6-pack]
Reaper: Come on, Janelle. What better place to get faded on that a graveyard?
Janelle: You’re so bad. It’s hot.
[music playing]
Wait! What’s that sound?
Reaper: I hear it too. Is that music?
[Everything in the graveyard is singing]
Everything: On Halloween, this place comes alive
spirits and hearts begin to rise
you’ve come here in the worst of nights
Say hello to our graveyard fights
[statue of Reaper starts walking down]
Reaper: I am the reaper, the keeper of the dead
tonight I’m going to keep your head
[Cut to two tombstone statues]
Tombstones: We are the spooky tombstone band
we sing the chorus of the damned
[Cut to the tree]
Tree: I am a twisted rotting tree.
[Cut to Paul and Phil]
Paul and Phil: We are Paul and Phil
[Cut to two tombstone statues]
Tombstones: Since you’ve arrived on Halloween
You are doomed to never leave
[Cut to the tree]
Tree: Are you scared?
Paul and Phil: Paul and Phil
Tree: Are you terrified?
Paul and Phil: Paul and Phil
Paul and Phil
Phil: Couple of dead guys.
Paul: We hail from the Hawkeye state.
Phil: Paul and Phil
Paul: Phil and Paul
Paul and Phil: Can you guess who’s who? We’ll never tell.
Paul: Yes we will. I am Paul.
Phil: I guess I am Phil.
Paul and Phil: Now you know who’s Paul, who’s Phil. Paul and Phil!
[music stops]
Tombstones: Shut up! [Cut to tombstones] Shut up! Now! Just shut up!
[Cut to Janelle and Arla]
Janelle: What is this? What do you want with us?
Arla: The only thing I know for sure is that they’re Paul and Phil
[Cut to the tree]
Tree: We’re trying to explain everything to you with our song, but Paul and Phil made it the Paul and Phil show.
[Cut to Paul and Phil]
Paul: Oh, tree. Did we go on too long? Gosh! Darn it!
Phil: It was just so darn fun.
[Cut to Janelle and Arla]
Arla: Are Paul and Phil like, a part of this? Because, I’m not scared of Paul and Phil.
[Cut to Paul and Phil]
Phil: Aw, thanks man!
[Cut to tombstones.]
Tombstone: Paul and Phil are just some nice casual ghosts, just sort of always around.
[Cut to Paul and Phil]
Paul: Yep! Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep. I died chasing a butterfly off a cliff.
Phil: And when I found out he was dead, I killed myself.
[Cut to the tree]
Tree: Can we please continue our song?
[Cut to Paul and Phil]
Paul: Well, that sounds good to us. Hey, where are we jumping in?
Phil: Are we rehearsed?
[Cut to the tombstones]
Tombstone: Hey! We’re starting.
[music playing]
We see you all consumed by fear
of all could things that could happen in here
[Cut to the reaper]
Reaper: I could slice you with my scythe.
[Cut to the tree]
Tree: You could hang from my tree.
[Cut to Paul and Phil]
Paul and Phil: Or, kind of rug with Paul and Phil
Phil: Coz everybody gotta have a place to go
Paul: If you can dig in
Paul and Phil: Or get down below
[acting like digging with a spade]
tsk-foo tsk-foo tsk-foo tsk-foo
That move is called ‘the Paul and Phil’
[Cut to the tree]
Tree: [yelling] No! Absolutely not!
[Cut to Paul and Phil]
Phil: Did we jump in again too soon? I thought we were on our song after the tree!
[Cut to Reaper]
Reaper: Who told you that/
[Cut to Paul and Phil]
Paul and Phil: I think maybe you.
[Cut to Janelle and Arla]
Janelle: Can we just go?
[Cut to the tombstones]
Tombstone: Not so fast. We’ll only let you leave, if you can solve our riddle.
[Cut to Janelle and Arla]
Arla: Well, can you tell us the riddle?
[Cut to everybody]
Tombstone: No, but we can sing it. [laughing]
[music playing]
[Cut to Reaper]
Reaper: What passes by but has no lane?
[Cut to the tombstones]
Tombstones: What has a face with no eyes to gaze?
[Cut to the tree]
Tree: What can strike–
[Paul and Phil interrupts]
Paul and Phil: Oh, it’s a clock!
Tree: Hell no! Hell no! Hell no, Paul and Phil! Hell no! You don’t ruin the riddle!
[Cut to Janelle and Arla]
Janelle: Cool. It’s a clock. Now, can we go?
Arla: Thanks Paul and Phil. Have a beer.
[Arla passes a beer to Paul and Phil but they cannot hold the can]
Phil: We’re ghosts. That beer went right through me.
Paul: Yes, it always did.
[Cut to everybody]
[music playing]
Paul and Phil: Paul and Phil
we’re Paul and Phil
we’re Paul and Phil
Paul and Phil
Paul and Phil
