Herb Welch Virginity Pledge Rally


Chuck Dawes… Taran Killam

Herb Welsh… Bill Hader

Michael Fitzgerald… Pete Davidson

President of Abstinence Association… Cecily Strong

[Starts with WXPD News, New York intro]

Announcer: You’re watching WXPD News, New York

[Cut to Chuck Dawes in his news set]

Chuck Dawes: Good morning. I’m Chuck Dawes filling in for the Alin Jack Burns. Our top story today, a number of Staten Island teens have assembled in front of the high school to sign a virginity pledge. Federan reporter Herb Welsh is on the scene who today is celebrating his 6Chuck Dawesst year here at our network.

[Cut to Herb Welsh]

Herb Welsh: Hello, Chuck. [cheers and applause] [Cut to split screen. Chuck Dawes on the left and Herb Welsh on the right.]

Chuck Dawes: Hello, Herb and congratulations. Now, tell us, what’s happening at the rally?

[Cut to Herb Welsh. He is with Michael Fitzgerald]

Herb Welsh: I’m here with Michael Fitzgerald

Michael Fitzgerald: Hey, how you doing?

Herb Welsh: You don’t look like a Fitzgerald to me. Alright, what’s this all about?

[Herb Welsh hits Michael Fitzgerald’s mouth with the mic]

Michael Fitzgerald: Um, we just feel like there’s too much pressure on teens these days. Like, sex wise.

Herb Welsh: You got a kid?

[Herb Welsh hits Michael Fitzgerald’s mouth with the mic again]

Michael Fitzgerald: What? No, I’m a virgin.

Herb Welsh: Why do you have a diaper bag?

[Herb Welsh hits Michael Fitzgerald’s mouth with the mic again]

Michael Fitzgerald: Um, it’s not a diaper bag. It’s just what I carry my books in.

Herb Welsh: And there you have it. Don’t believe the hype. Central Park remains unsafe for women after dark. Back to you Chuck.

[Cut to the split screen]

Chuck Dawes: No! No! No, Herb, no! Come on!

Herb Welsh: What’s that? What happened?

Chuck Dawes: Ask him how many students are involved in taking the pledge.

Herb Welsh: I don’t take orders from Managans.

Chuck Dawes: Come on, Herb.

Herb Welsh: I know you’re smooth down there.

[audience laughing] [Cut to Herb Welsh and Michael Fitzgerald]

How many?

[Herb Welsh hits Michael Fitzgerald’s mouth with the mic again]

Michael Fitzgerald: How many what?

Herb Welsh: Oh, you scared of me? Big Nick?

[Herb Welsh starts hitting Michael Fitzgerald with the mic]

Chuck Dawes: No! Hey! Hey!

[Cut to split screen]

Herb! Ask him if the pledge is affiliated with the school.

Herb Welsh: Stick a zag out of that side burns.

Chuck Dawes: Alright, dude, please, just ask the question.

[Cut to Herb Welsh and Michael Fitzgerald]

Herb Welsh: Who started this thing?

[Herb Welsh hits Michael Fitzgerald’s mouth with the mic again]

Michael Fitzgerald: Well, a couple of us, actually.

Herb Welsh: Spill the beans.

[Herb Welsh hits Michael Fitzgerald’s mouth with the mic again] [President of Abstinence Association walks in and Michael Fitzgerald walks out]

President of Abstinence Association: Excuse me. I am the president of the school’s Abstinence Association.

Herb Welsh: Well, there you have it. The rest have a monkey in outer space. Back to you, Chuck.

[Cut to split screen]

Chuck Dawes: No, Herb! Herb, why don’t you talk to that organizer?

Herb Welsh: Why didn’t your wife take your last name? [audience laughing] Coward.

[Cut to Herb Welsh and President of Abstinence Association]

Hola, que pasa senorita?

[Herb Welsh hits President of Abstinence Association’s mouth with the mic again]

President of Abstinence Association: Okay, the media and Tv have put too much emphasis on teenage sex for too long.

[As President of Abstinence Association is trying to speak, Herb Welsh pulls the mic away.]

Herb Welsh: Well, there you have it folks. And when they go to the board room, Latin Americans are on the move.

Chuck Dawes: Wrong! [Cut to split screen] Herb! No! That is not what we’re doing, Herb.

[Cut to Herb Welsh]

Herb Welsh: Don’t tell me how to do the news you drug store Indian!

[Herb Welsh walks up to the camera and starts hitting the camera with the mic.] [Cut to Chuck Dawes]

Chuck Dawes: Just cut away, please. All apologies to you at home. Up next, we’ll talk to a school administrator. [Chuck Dawes puts his finger in his ear and listen to his earphone.] But first some troubling news. We just received word that our own Herb Welsh has suffered a heart attack just Chuck Dawes5 seconds ago.

[Cut to two security holding Herb Welsh, and Michael Fitzgerald is speaking to the camera.]

Michael Fitzgerald: I can’t believe he’s dead. It just happened so quick.

Herb Welsh: The show is over! [Herb Welsh was pretending to get the TV attention. He starts hitting Michael Fitzgerald again and again]

How useful was this post?

Click on a star to rate it!

Average rating 0 / 5. Vote count: 0

No votes so far! Be the first to rate this post.

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

Notify of
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Would love your thoughts, please comment.x