Nurse… Cecily Strong
Kim Jong Un… Bobby Moynihan
General… Taran Killam
Qak-pun-ji… Beck Bennett[Stars with a clip of Pyongyang, North Korea]
Nurse: Dear leader, [Cut to a nurse sitting beside Kim Jong Un] it has been five weeks since you’ve been seen in public. Your people yearn to set their eyes on their beloved Kim Jong Un. Please, some are wondering if you’re still in charge.
Kim Jong Un: Fools! I am the one and only shining sun. I am your marshall. So, why do I hear these poisonous rumors? That I am diabetic? That I have the gout? ridiculous! That I have eaten too much imported cheese? Who dares question me?[Cut to three soldiers at right]
General: It is just, dear leader, we are worried.[Cut to Nurse and Kim Jong Un]
Kim Jong Un: Worried? About me? Well, let me tell you something, General.
General! You of all people should never question me. Why did you go to South Korea when you knew I forbid this?
General: It was a diplomatic mission, sir. As part of the Asian games.
Kim Jong Un: What? Why would you send anyone to the Asian games when the world’s greatest athlete is standing right in front of you? I have an Olympic medal in beach volleyball.[Cut to the soldiers at left]
Kyle: But sir, you’re limping.[Cut to Kim Jong Un]
Kim Jong Un: What? Who said that?[As Kim Jong Un is limping to Kyle, he is making noises]
I told you, I broke my ankle while dunking over Michael Jordan. This is what happened! The movie Space Jam is about me. We all know this.
Kyle: My apologies dear leader. It’s just, um, people think you’re out of tough.
Kim Jong Un: How can I be out of touch when I have the same haircut as Brad Pitt in the movie Fury? I am sensing many of you doubt my strength. Perhaps a demonstration is in order.[As Kim Jong Un is limping to right side, he is making noise]
Qak-pun-ji, I want you to punch me as hard as you can.
Qak-pun-ji: Dear leader, I could never.
Kim Jong Un: Punch me! Hard! I order you to punch me or die![Qak-pun-ji punches Kim Jong Un on chest. Kim Jong Un doesn’t react at all.]
Now everyone turn around!
That was in my heart! He punched me in the heart. What an animal! [Kim Jong Un takes long breath] Okay, turn back around. This is nonsense. I am strong as a dragon.[Kim Jong Un turns around and tries to go back to his seat.]
Okay, forget it.[He starts crawling as he can’t limp on stairs.] [Nurse tries to get him up]
I am fine! [Cut to Nurse and Kim Jong Un] I am fine! Would a man with a gout be able to do this?[Kim Jong Un starts dancing]
Would a man with two broken ankles be able to do this?[Kim Jong Un starts dancing again]
Now, everybody turn around!
Oh, cranberry! And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!