Jerry Tremain… Woody Harrelson
Deseray… Cecily Strong
Taran Killam[Starts with MTV video intro]
Female voice: You’re watching MTV, your DVR must be empty. Next up, it’s Match’d![Cut to Match’d show set.]
Jerry: Hello everyone, I’m your host Jerry Tremain and welcome to Match’d where one lucky girl gets to choose from these three guys.[Cut to the guys] [Cut to Jerry and
Today’s girl is Deseray. Deseray, why don’t you tell us about yourself?
Deseray: I’m horny as hell and here to fix that.
Jerry: Well, that’s one way to start. Let’s get right to it then. Deseray, what’s your first question?\
Deseray: Guy number one, I’m a nasty girl. What would you do to impress me.
Beck: Well, I’m a waiter. So, I know food. I would take you back to my house and show you my special ingredient. My penis.[Cut to Jerry and Deseray]
Deseray: Ooh! Sounds ya! Okay, guy number two.
Kyle: Well, I’m also a waiter. But I might as well be a roller coaster, coz I’ll give you the ride of your life and make you scream, from head to butt.
Deseray: I like that stuff. Guy number three?
Taran: I’m a waiter as well. But my thing’s about the library. We would go there and check out my doomy decimal system.[Cut to Jerry and Deseray]
Jerry: Those are some pretty sexual answers, guys.[Cut to the guys]
Beck: Well, as far as I know, I’m the horniest guy I know, Jerry.
Kyle: And I’m even hornier, Jerry.
Taran: I’m so horny Jerry, I’m about to explode.
Jerry: Okay, well take this opportunity to learn a little bit more about Deseray. She is from Saint Louis, Messieurs.[Cut to the guys]
Beck: Oh, yeah!
Taran: I’m horny.[Cut to Jerry and Deseray]
Jerry: She’s 18 years old.[Cut to the guys]
Kyle: That’s so hot right now.
Beck: Yeah![Cut to Jerry]
Jerry: And she’s my daughter.[Cut to the guys. They are silent.] [audience laughing]
Kyle: What’s up?[Cut to Jerry and Deseray]
Jerry: Okay, should we continue? Deseray.
Deseray: Okay, guy number one, just a second ago, you said you were the horniest guy you know.
Beck: No, ma’am. That’s not what I said.[Cut to Jerry and Deseray]
Deseray: What’s the best way to turn you on?[Cut to Beck]
Beck: Well, first, I would make sure you were fully clothed because I believe a girl’s– when she’s fully clothed, that’s when she’s the most sexy, sir. And then I would ask to meet your mother so that I could check the hand of the woman who brought you into this world.[Cut to Jerry and Deseray]
Deseray: Can’t shake hand to the ghost. Guy number two. What’s your idea of a sexy date?[Cut to Kyle]
Kyle: Well, sir, I just want to start off by saying thank you for having me on your show, sir. That’s why I’m merely here after all. To learn about the game show industry and it all comes to together, sir. Like, were you always a game show host, sir?
Jerry: No, before this, I was active duty marine for 25 years. Now, answer the question.[Cut to Kyle]
Kyle: Yes, sir. On our date, I would take Deseray to a war memorial, sir. Because it’s important to reflect on our fallen heroes. Especially since it was just Veterous day.[Cut to Jerry and Deseray]
Jerry: Veterous day?[Cut to Kyle]
Kyle: Yes, sir. Veterous day, the day we celebrate our veterous.[Cut to Jerry and Deseray]
Jerry: Are you saying veterous?
Deseray: Okay, guy number three. You were told to bring me a fun little gift.[Cut to Taran]
Taran: Pass![Cut to Jerry and Deseray]
Deseray: No, you can’t pass. Show it to me in front of my dad[Cut to Taran]
Taran: Oh! Okay, I brought you panties … which belonged to my great grandmother. And I wanted you to have them because I believe in family, sir.[Cut to Jerry and Deseray]
Jerry: Your grandmother owned crotch-less panties?[Cut to Taran]
Taran: Oh, sir, that hole is just because they’re very old, sir.[Cut to Jerry and Deseray]
Deseray: Oh, yes. Guy number one, we had you write me a sexy poem before the show. Can I hear it now?[Cut to Beck]
Beck: Would it be possible for me to make some revisions first, ma’am?[Cut to Jerry and Deseray]
Jerry: Just read it.[Cut to Beck]
Beck: [reading the poem] Roses are red, my balls are blue
why don’t you bend over, so I can see inside you
And so to clarify, my intention was to look all the way up inside her to her beautiful brain.[Cut to Jerry and Deseray]
Jerry: That’s physically impossible.[Cut to Beck]
Beck: Yes, sir. Good feedback. Might I add, you’re doing a great job of keeping this moving.[reminder sound] [Cut to Jerry and Deseray]
Jerry: Okay, that sound means it’s part of the show called “The Moment Alone” where I go back stage and give you four a moment alone. See you in a bit.[Cut to everybody. Jerry leaves the set.] [Cut to the guys]
Taran: Well, is that for real? He’s gone?[Cut to Deseray]
Deseray: Yeah![Cut to the guys]
Taran: Okay, I’m so horny for you. I’m the horniest guy here.
Beck: Not true, because I’m horny for you in front and back. Yes, please.
Kyle: I’m horny but a gentleman. And since you’re a lady, you can go down on me first.[Cut to everybody. Jerry walks back in.] [Cut to Jerry and Deseray]
Jerry: Alright everyone. How was your moment alone?[Cut to the guys]
Kyle: Excellent sir. We mostly just let your daughter talk and we listened, sir. She is truly special, sir.[Cut to Jerry and Deseray]
Jerry: I agree. Okay, it’s time for a commercial break. When we return, we’ll all watch footage from their moment alone. We’ll be right back with more “Match’d”.