Monologue Chris Pratt Sings About Himself


Chris Pratt

Anna Faris

[Starts SNL monologue intro] [The band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Chris Pratt.

[Chris Pratt walks in and to the stage.] [cheers and applause] Chris Pratt: Wow! Woo-hoo! Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you very much. I am so pumped to be here hosting the season premiere of Saturday Night Live. Ah! This is SNL’s 40th anniversary. I have always felt such a connection to this show. A lot of that is because when I dropped out of college and moved to Hawaii, I literally lived in a van down by the river. Yeah. Oh! This summer, I was in this great movie called Guardians of the Galaxy [cheers and applause] for which I lost 60 pounds. I found this great diet. It’s called the, “Hey fat ass, get into shape so you can be in my movie” diet. [audience laughing] It actually really works. I recommend it.

Anyways, [laughing] you know, I was so excited to be here tonight. [Chris Pratt gets a guitar] I actually wrote a song. [cheers and applause] Yes, thank you. I know that I’m not half the singer that Ariana Grande is but I am technically three times her body weight. So, the math works out. Again, like I said, I didn’t go to college. Here’s a little song I wrote about me.

[playing guitar]

Good lord, I’m hosting SNL
and so far it’s going pretty well
I’ve only sang two sentences
so it’s probably too soon to tell
In four years, I had lot of shows
and I joined a lit of some amazing hosts
some of them did not do well
hopefully I’m not one of those
home’s where the heart is and mine’s right here
it belongs to the hottie in the audience there

[Cut to Anna Faris in the audience getting shy]

Her name’s Anna Faris, she’s hosted twice
we had sex and a baby popped out

[audience laughing]

It’s true. Do you remember that?

[Cut to Anna Faris]

Anna Faris: [speaking in moaning voice] Oh, yeah!

[Cut to Chris Pratt]

Chris Pratt: It was really sexy birth.

I’ve gone from skinny to fat back to skinny back to fat
probably gonna die if I don’t stop that
but all my tombstones are gonna read Chris Pratt
he hosted SNL
it’s been a damn good year, it’s a damn good show
have I slept in 40 hours, the answer’s no
buckle up, you better hold on tight,
It’s live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

[cheers and applause]

We got a great show for you. Ariana Grande is here. Stick around. We’ll be right back.

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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