Night Murmurs


Aurora… Cecily Strong

Tawna… Cameron Diaz

Latouch… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a romantic music and Aurora sitting on a sofa in a night gown.]

Aurora: Hi, I’m Aurora. What are you doing right now? Are you all by yourself? Don’t be that.

[Cut to Tawna in a night gown.]

Tawna: Call the Night Murmurs chatline. I’m Tawna and I’m waiting to talk to you. I’m not even going to go to the bathroom until this phone rings. And I really need to go.

[Cut to Latouch in a night gown with a yellow telephone.]

Latouch: I’m Latouch. We’re real local girls who can’t wait to talk to guys like you. Guys who are strong, confident and out for anything.

[Cut to Aurora]

Aurora: Us girls at Night Murmurs will do anything to make you happy. And maybe once you get to know us, you’d be open to doing, I don’t know, some pretty giant favors for us.

[Cut to Latouch]

Latouch: What kind of favors?

[Cut to Tawna]

Tawna: Well, I don’t know. Something secret and naughty. Like, maybe you can meet me in a parking lot and I can give you a mysterious package. But you have to promise never to open it. I just need you to hang on to it until things calm down a bit. And you do that for me? I know you can.

[Cut to Latouch]

Latouch: Call now. I wanna tell you all my secrets. My biggest one right now is that I lost a bet. So, now I have to get video taped while someone throws a 20 pound turkey at my back. That was a bad bet to make. Who knows what I’ll do next? Call me.

[Cut to Aurora]

Aurora: I wanna guy who is spontaneous on dates and great at listening to instructions like, can you scare my grandma so bad that she runs away from a trailer that I wanna own? I’d love that. She definitely doesn’t appreciate that trailer as much as I would. Call now. And I’ll give you this clown mask. She hates clowns, even though she’s the number one clown. It will make her run. So, call. I wanna talk to you one to one.

[Cut to Tawna with a pink telephone]

Tawna: Girls are standing by to talk to you. Oh, yes. P.S. another thing about that package, as soon as you get it home it’s gotta go into the fridge. Call me.

[Cut to Latouch]

Latouch: Oh, hey! Do you think I’ll fall down when that frozen turkey hits me in the back? I hope so. Because they say, if it doesn’t look like it’s a hard enough hit, they get to throw another one at me. Call now.

[Cut to Tawna]

Tawna: Oh, yes. And on that package, it looks like it says ‘danger’, it really says ‘Dan gier’. Mr. Dan Gier owns the package. Isn’t that wild? Call me.

[Cut to Aurora]

Aurora: And don’t be sad about my grandmother. She’s way too full of herself. She used to be a real model and lets me know about it every day. She calls me a night time phone slut. So, let’s chat bout how we can safely remove my slop grandmother from her trailer forever.

[Cut to Latouch]

Latouch: I need to remember not to make bets. I get real cocky about being a Pepsi person, but when it comes down to it, I can’t tell the difference from Coke. I don’t know why I keep betting that I can. So, call me and lets talk.

[Cut to Tawna]

Tawna: Call us at Night Murmurs. You must be over 18 and under 6 inches. Bye!

[cheers and applause]

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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