Bobby Moynihan, Kenan Thompson, Taran Killam, Woody Harrelson
[Starts with four men having a drink]Bobby: I’m telling you, boys, this city has changed for the worst.
Kenan: It’s unbelievable. I can’t tell you the last time I had a decent slice of pizza here.
Taran: Yeah, forget about it. Remember, Mod Nelly’s on 9th. Best sauce in the city, hands down.
Bobby: Oh, hands down.
Kenan: And now, it’s replaced by a damn dog spa. I men, what the hell is that?
Taran: I’ll tell you what it is. It’s a crime and a shame. Ay, let me ask you this. When was the last time you had a good knish?
Kenan: Couldn’t tell ya.
Bobby: Yeah, you know, you can’t find a decent knish in the city but I’ll tell you, you can get a friggin froyo every 13 feet.
Woody: Yeah, remember the crack?
[audience laughing]Kenan: What?
Woody: Crack. I mean, have you had it lately? It’s awful.
[Cut to Bobby and Taran]Bobby: Like, smoking crack?
[Cut to Kenan and Woody]Woody: I mean, that’s if you gonna even find it. But like you said, there’s friggin froyo everywhere. You know?
Kenan: You know what I miss?
Woody: Crack?
Kenan: No. New York city hotdogs.
[Cut to Bobby and Taran]Bobby: Thank you. Thank you.
[Cut to Kenan and Woody]Kenan: Real dogs. Bright red with a good snap. Spicy mustard!
[Cut to Bobby and Taran]Bobby: Um-hmm.
Taran: There used to be a good hotdog cart on every corner. But now, it’s all just Korean barbecue and tacos.
Bobby: Yeah, when did New York city become the friggin taco capital of the world.
[Cut to Kenan and Woody]Woody: Man, you can clearly like taste the difference, let alone the high is kind of twitchy.
[Cut to Bobby and Taran]Taran: What high?
[Cut to Kenan and Woody]Woody: The crack high. It tasted better, lasted longer and cost less. It’s almost like they know would you settle for any crack.
Kenan: Ay man, what the hell you talking about?
Woody: I’m saying what you guys are saying. That the city has changed.
Kenan: Well, no, you’re not.
Woody: Yeah, you said the pizza thing. And then you’re talking about the knishes and who I can’t remember said something about crack.
[Cut to Bobby and Taran]Taran: You! You brought up crack. Again. We don’t smoke crack.
[Cut to Kenan and Woody]Woody: And I don’t blame you. It’s not as good.
Taran: Alright buddy, just stop bringing it up.
Woody: Alright, jeez. [Cut to Kenan and Woody] I mean, we’re all talking. It’s a free country.
Kenan: I miss the respect. Kids used to have respect in this city.
[Cut to Bobby and Taran]Bobby: Absolutely, but not anymore. Now, every time I get on the subway, I see some punk sitting down and some old lady standing up.
Taran: Yeah, yeah, yeah! Not to mention that the price to ride the subway is just insane.
Woody: Tell me about it. It’s like where do you even find crack at this time a day?
Kenan: Hey, man. We warned you.
Woody: I mean on a subway for what they charging us to ride a damn thing, you think they give us just a little crack.
[Cut to Bobby and Taran]Bobby: We don’t smoke crack. Okay? Will you just get lost, man?
Taran: Please!
[Cut to Kenan and Woody]Woody: Oh! I see what this is. I mean, you guys just want to talk to each other. I guess I’m intruding and maybe I should go.
Kenan: Yeah. [00:Woody0:Kenan6]
[Cut to everybody]Bobby: Yeah, that would be great.
Woody: Very well, then. Good day gentlemen. But before I go, I have to say you’re all under arrest.
Taran: For what?
[Cut to Woody]Woody: For possession of crack, cocaine. Now, put your drugs on the table.
[Cut to everybody]Kenan: We don’t have any crack.
[Cut to Bobby and Taran]Bobby: Wait, is that a vote for native button?
[Cut to Woody showing an election badge.]Woody: Worth a shot. Good night guys.
[Cut to Bobby, Kenan and Taran]Bobby: Uh, what a weirdo.
Taran: Yeah, I do miss the meth though.
Bobby: Oh! So much.
Kenan: Oh, meth was my favorite.
[cheers and applause]