Tad Rankin… James Franco[Starts with a caution]
Male voice: The following is a paid political advertisement.[Cut to the advertisement.]
Female voice: Last month, our quite little town of Aldrich, Minnesota did something special at the polls. We elected four year old Tommy Trombley as our mayor.[Cut to Tommy Trombley in a suit]
Tommy Trombley: I’m the mayor. And what I say goes.
Female voice: The whole country smiled at America’s youngest and most adorable mayor. What a cute idea. Or is it?[Cut to the previous clip of Tommy Trombley in slow motion and heavy voice]
Tommy Trombley: I’m the mayor. And what I say goes.[Cut to Tad Rankin]
Tad Rankin: Hi, I’m Tad Rankin, the guy Tommy beat for mayor. This is a joke. Tommy is a little kid. I’m a full grown man. We need to recall him. This town needs a mayor who doesn’t get ear infections. And unlike Tommy, I actually have big muscle. I don’t just say it. I called Tommy for comments at 7 pm, his grandpa said he was fast asleep. I stay up all night watching adult movies. Tommy likes Frozen, even though he’s a boy. I watched it and hated it and only thought the parts with Olaf were funny. And Tommy likes Elsa. I thought Elsa was a bitch. Why won’t you play with your sister, you bitch? And Tommy thinks he’s so tough.[Cut to a video clip of Tommy in suit]
Tommy: Watch how hard I can punch.
Tad Rankin: Watch how hard I can punch! [Tad Rankin punches in the air too] Uh! Oh, in news flash, I talked to the janitor of Tommy’s school. He said Tommy crapped his pants last week! I haven’t crapped my pants all year. And when I did it, I didn’t cry and tell my teacher. I just left work without talking to anybody and threw my pants into the woods.
Every February, Tommy visits his aunt in West Palm beach. Ooh-la-la. I’ve never left this town. [mocking Tommy] Coz I’m too scared. I’ve run a business in this town for 20 years. I met, shook hands with President Obama.
All the while, Tommy was just a glimmer in his father’s huge ball sack. I know Tommy’s dad. We played squashed together. He took a hard dive and his balls came spilling out of his shorts. They were huge and red. And Tommy was still inside of them. Can’t get it out of my head!
So, this Christmas season, do the right thing. Fire a four year old. He’s a little dickhead. He’s not cute. I am cute, look. [Tad Rankin smiles at the camera.]
Bye![Cut to Tad Rankin’s photo in front of American flag]
Tad Rankin narrating: I’m Tad Rankin and I paid all my money to make this ad.