Bartender… Taran Killam
Kyle Mooney
Bobby Moynihan
Helen… Cecily Strong
Ileen… Kate McKinnon
Throbecca… Amy adams
[Starts with “A Magical Christmas” video bumper.] [Cut to a bar. There is one bartenders and two customers at the bar booth.]Bartender: Another round for you gentlemen?
Kyle: You know it. I gotta forget about a dang.
Bobby: Yeah, and I gotta forget about this haircut.
Helen: Well, it looks like your luck is picking up.
[Kyle turns around]Kyle: Va-va-va-hoo!
[Cut to the ladies]Helen: Hi, fellas! I am Helen.
Ileen: I am Ileen.
Throbecca: And I am Throbecca.
[Cut to Kyle and Bobby]Kyle: That’s an interesting name.
Helen: Helen? Thanks, I chose it myself.
[Cut to Kyle and Bobby]Kyle: Um, okay.
[Cut to the ladies]Ileen: So, are you bellas gonna fuy us a drink?
[Cut to Kyle and Bobby]Bobby: Don’t you mean, “Are you fellas gonna buy us a drink?”
[Cut to the ladies]Throbecca: Buy you a drink? Nice try mister. What do we look like?
Helen: Yeah, mister. What do we look like? Do we look the way we’re supposed to?
Ileen: Yeah, we wanna know how we look to you.\
[Cut to Kyle and Bobby]Kyle: You look like three dangs that could use a drink. What could we get ya?
[Cut to the ladies]Ileen: I’ll tell ya. You pick them and make us guess what they are.
Throbecca: If we guess, we have to find the nastiest piece of garbage and chew on it.
Helen: But we don’t have to swallow it, just chew. Okay? Promise?
Bobby: We’ll buy you drinks but you don’t have to chew on garbage.
[Cut to the ladies]Ileen: Well, we will if we get it wrong. That’s the deal.
[Cut to Kyle and Bobby]Kyle: We don’t want you to do that.
[Cut to the ladies]Throbecca: Yeah, right. You say that now, then cut to me guessing my drink wrong and then… I’m chewing on a trash.
Helen: But remember, we’re not swallowing it. Just chewing.
Ileen: Sometimes there’s dead mice in there.
Helen: Say, where are the trash cans in here for when the time comes?
[Cut to Kyle and Bobby]Bobby: We’re not going to let you eat garbage.
[Cut to the ladies]Ileen: Ha-ha. You’re funny. Now, excuse us. We’ve got a song to sing.
[Cut to everybody]Throbecca: Be right back.
Bobby: Wow, what is with these dangs?
Kyle: That’s just how women flirt these days.
[music playing] [Cut to the ladies on a sledge on stage.]Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, once again, the Dundy Sisters.
Ileen: Here we go.
Ladies: [singing] boom-bong-bing
bing-bong-bong
tinga-linga-ling on Christmas song
ting and a dong and a ling in a dang
and a ding dong dang dang lang lang lang
just one ding and a ting and a ling
blueberry boom boom Santa Claus
as he hoops down the fire tube
as he hoops down the fire tube
Helen: We’ll be right back.
[Cut to Kyle and Bobby]Bobby: Is that the whole show?
Kyle: They’re already done?
[Cut to everybody. The ladies walk to Kyle and Bobby]Throbecca: Well, what do you think of that?
Helen: Did you know it was us up there?
[Cut to the ladies]Ileen: What did we look like?
Throbecca: We were moving, right?
[Cut to Kyle and Bobby]Bobby: You looked great and here are your drinks.
[Cut to everybody. Kyle and Bobby are passing the ladies their drinks.]Helen: Oh! Thank you. Time to guess. And don’t worry, I remember our deal. If I guess wrong, I get to yum yum garbage.
[Cut to Kyle and Bobby]Kyle: You get to?
[Cut to the ladies]Ileen: These are your rules, mister.
[Cut to Kyle and Bobby]Bobby: We didn’t make up any rules.
[Cut to the ladies]Ileen: And please distribute the garbage equally amongst us.
[Cut to Kyle and Bobby]Kyle: We don’t want to give you any garbage.
[Cut to the ladies]Helen: Yeah, right! And don’t go anywhere. We have to do our next song.
[The ladies put their glasses on the bar booth and walk to the stage.] [Cut to Kyle and Bobby]Kyle: Are they really gonna chew on garbage?
Bobby: I don’t know. I think these girls are on something.
Kyle: She left her purse. Check it out.
Bobby: Alright.
[Bobby takes her purse and looks through it.]Oh, yuck! It’s just filled with garbage in here.
Kyle: Oh, it stinks. What kind of dangs are these?
[Cut to the ladies on a sledge on stage.] [music playing]Ladies: [singing] It’s almost Christmas
the tings are really tinging
and bums are really bumming
for Christmas
where were you when Santa fell
ting ting ting
Ileen: Hey, where are you going?
Kyle: We’re out of here.
Bobby: Yeah, you dangs are a bunch of cuckoo birds.
[Kyle and Bobby leave]Throbecca: Oh, look at that. Those bums took off.
[The ladies sit on the bar booth.]Helen: This was not how this was supposed to go. What about our Christmas wish?
[midnight bell donging]Bartender: Well, ladies, you hear that clock? I’m afraid you know the rules. Your Christmas wish is over. It’s time for you three to turn back into raccoons.
Throbecca: But we only got half our wish.
Ileen: We wanted to be singers and kiss on a man.
Bartender: Ha-ha. Well, maybe next year. Merry Christmas you raccoons.
[Bartender throws a spell on the ladies and they turn into raccoons.] [the raccoons singing]Raccoons: [singing] boom-bong-bing
bing-bong-bong
tinga-linga-ling on Christmas song
ting and a dong and a ling in a dang
and a ding dong dang dang lang lang lang
just one ding and a ting and a ling
blueberry boom boom Santa Claus
as he hoops down the fire tube
as he hoops down the fire tube
