Jay Phroah
Pete Davidson
Sump’n Claus… Kenan Thompson
Two girls… Cecily Strong, Sasheer Zamata
Sheila… Venessa Bayer
Kyle Mooney
Marcus… Martin Freeman
Beck Bennett
[Starts with Jay sitting on a couch when Pate walks in]
Jay: Hey, what’s up man? How was the concert?
Pate: It sucked. Me and my buddies got busted for drinking in the parking lot. Santa’s not bringing me anything this year.
Jay: Ah! Don’t worry about it man! You always get a visit from Sump’n Claus.
Pate: Who’s that?
[Cut to Sump’n Claus book. The book opens.]
[Cut to Sump’n Claus walking with two women behind him]
[music playing]
Sump’n Claus: [rapping] Yeah! Everybody get Sump’n
everybody getting Sump’n
Two women: Everybody’s been naughty
everybody’s got flaws
if you’ve been cross off Santa’s list
here come’s Sump’n Claus
Sump’n Claus: [rapping] Was a girl name Sheila
[Cut to Sheila decorating her Christmas tree.]
had a meet with a man
[Cut to Kyle]
They were supposed to go to dinner
[Cut to Sheila and Kyle arguing]
but he had other plans
he said she was dominating
tried to take her diamond earrings
said that she was profiteering
soon he would be mis-appearing
she got mad, was on fire
took a knife inside his tyres
boom and boom, guns in fire
Santa said you no longer qualify-ya
But you know what I said?
[Cut to Sheila being sad, but Sump’n Claus slides in and gives her money.]
Everybody’s getting Sump’n
Everybody’s getting Sump’n
and I’m not talking about no toys
I give cash.
white envelope filled with 20s, sometimes 50s. Cash! And where am I getting this cash? Hey, man. We don’t need to talk about that.
[Cut to the girls singing and dancing]
The girls: Everybody’s been naughty
everybody’s got flaws
if you’ve been cross off Santa’s list
here come’s Sump’n Claus
Sump’n Claus: Here’s a story about Marcus
[Cut to Marcus at his office]
He’s working for the man
[Cut to Beck yeeling at Marcus]
works super long hours
does everything he can
one day he had all he can handle
threw everything and caused a scandal
broke his computer in the shambles
the mess he made was quite substantial
[Cut to Marcus attacking Beck and getting arrested]
He got fired, got arrested
cops throw out but we protested
Santa said, “Man, you’ve been rejected”
but you know what I say
[Marcus is leaving office with his stuffs but Sump’n Claus slides in and gives him an envelope filled with cash.]
Everybody’s getting Sump’n
Everybody’s getting Sump’n
Oh, you sweating Santa being mad at you? What you thought y’all was friends? He sees you when you sleeping. That’s weird. I’ma tell you a secret. He hit somebody with that sleighs. Don’t like to talk about it.
[Cut to the girls singing and dancing]
The girls: Everybody’s been naughty
everybody’s got flaws
if you’ve been cross off Santa’s list
here come’s Sump’n Claus
Sump’n Claus: Let me tell you my story
it was a long time ago
I used to work for Santa
up at the North Pole
one day I was working at my station
Mrs. Claus started a conversation
both of us felt a sweet sensation
so we agreed on recreation
brought me inside, made some coco
she served me something so loco
Santa walked in and said, “That’s a no no”
but you know what I said
Everybody’s getting Sump’n
Everybody’s getting Sump’n
[Cut to the girls singing and dancing]
The girls: Everybody’s been naughty
everybody’s got flaws
if you’ve been cross off Santa’s list
here come’s Sump’n Claus
Sump’n Claus: And I’m talking about everybody. Justin Bieber getting Sump’n. Paula Deen getting Sump’n. Donald Sterling getting Sump’n. Suge Knight getting Sump’n. Kevin Bacon is getting Sump’n.
Sasheer: What’s wrong with Kevin Bacon?
Sump’n Claus: Oh, nothing. He’s just my homie.
[Cut to everybody getting Sump’n and being happy.]
Go ahead, be naughty. I got you!
[music stops]
