Uber driver… Bobby Moynihan
Nicole… Leslie Jones
Sasheer Zamata[Starts with Chris walking in his hall where the TV is playing]
Chris: Be there in a minute. Man, she left the TV on and she ain’t even here. Scandal, hmph! The scandal is how hot this election’s going to be. Alright.[Door bell ringing]
Be right there.[Chris opens the door. Uber driver walks in.]
Uber driver: You called Uber car? I’ve been here like Chris0 minutes.
Chris: Nicole! Cab’s here. Come on! We’re going to miss the show.[Cut to Nicole walking in in her robe]
Nicole: I just got out the shower.
Wpeaker Chris: Who calls Uber and then gets in the shower?[Cut to Nicole]
Nicole: If I take a shower too soon, then I get dirty again before its time for us to leave.[Cut to Chris and Uber driver]
Chris: What are you? A bat catcher for the Yankees? Why are you attracting so much dirt? Are you a human swiffer?[Cut to Nicole]
Nicole: Don’t embarrass me in front of a stranger. [raising her voice] Don’t embarrass me in front of strangers.[Cut to everybody.] [Nicole talking to Uber driver]
We’ll be out in a minute, okay sir?
Uber driver: Okay, can I use your bathroom?
Nicole: Hell, no. All this ebola going around. I don’t know you?[Cut to Chris and Uber driver. Uber driver walks out and shuts the door.]
Chris: Hey! Why do you want to pay extra for Uber? If we need an umemployed weirdo to drive us around, I’d just call your cousin James.[Cut to Nicole]
Nicole: Because Uber is the new thing. But you wouldn’t know about that because you ain’t got no new stuff. All you got is them CDs.[Cut to Chris]
Chris: When the government shuts down the cloud, I’mma have Luther.[Cut to Nicole walks away, and in a while she walks back.]
Nicole: I just got accepted I’m a young thing. [Cut to Chris and Nicole] I’m a young sweet thing with a old fashioned husband.
Chris: You ain’t got accepted for nothing. And if you need to get to step it, you need to get to step it. That’s what I’m saying.
Nicole: I’mma get to step it with every penny in this house coming with me.
Chris: Hey, this house is in my name woman. And you’re just an extended guest. You understand? Common law.
Nicole: I will burn it down before I let you have it.
Chris: I’ll give you a match if you think you got it in you.
Nicole: Oh, I dream about it. I will liso-lefta-lopez this bitch to the ground. Did you order the tickets online?
Chris: I’m not giving out my credit card number online to somebody in India so they can steal my identity.
Nicole: Nobody in India wants to be a cheap lazy bastard who snores all night.[Nicole walks away] [Cut to Chris]
Chris: Oh, now I’m cheap! What do you do with your money? All you buy is shoes and weaves. I bet if you could show them tickets to your hair you’re buying. You like this tie?
Nicole: Not the blue tie.[Chris pulls his tie tight]
Ay! Stop acting like you’re killing yourself. Don’t take that pleasure from me.
Chris: Stop telling me what to do, woman. You’re not my mother.[Cut to Nicole walking in with her dress on.]
Nicole: You damn right I’m not. What did that woman do to you?[Cut to Chris and Nicole]
Chris: What did she do to me? I’ll tell you what she did to me. She cooked, she cleaned, the only thing she ever did wrong was lie to me and tell me I’d find a woman of my dreams.
Nicole: You know how I found you? I was looking for a lump in my breasts, and there you was.[Sasheer walks in]
Sasheer: [yelling] Stop it! Just stop it. [Cut to Sasheer] What’s wrong with you? All you do is argue. You hate each other. Break up for god sake. Just get a divorce.
Chris: She ain’t never gonna get a man with an attitude like that.
Nicole: I keep trying to talk to her but she just tones me out.
Chris: Well, let’s not let her ruin our anniversary.
Nicole: Happy anniversary, baby.[Chris and Nicole kiss and hug] [Chris grabs his jacket and opens the door]
Nicole: Let me go out first.[Chris makes way for Nicole]