Vitamix

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Anne… Sarah Silverman

Vanessa Bayer

[Starts with two women walking in the kitchen after workout with towels on the shoulders.]

Anne: Ah! Great workout.

Venessa: Oh, I’ve got just the thing. Try this kale apple smoothie.

[Venessa passes smothie to Anne and Anne drinks it.]

Anne: That’s delicious. Did you make this?

Venessa: [looking at the camera] I sure did. With my Vitamix Pro 750 blender. [There’s a black blender in front of her] It’s amazing. It blends ingredients completely and evenly for ultra smooth creamier results.

Anne: This is smooth.

Venessa: It’s also great at making nut butters and grinding grains into flours.

Anne: My blender can’t do any of that. How much is it?

Venessa: Well, it’s up there.

Anne: Oh!

Venessa: And look, just set it to a variety of preset modes. Soups, porridge, I mean, ah!

Anne: That’s really cool. Is it like $200?

Venessa: No. Um..

Anne: So, it’s less.

Venessa: Well, no. But it’s more than that. [Cut to Venessa and the blender.] But did I tell you that it blends ingredients completely? Like, even nut butters. [Venessa laughs] [Cut to Anne]

Anne: Yea, yea, you said it made stuff creamy. It can’t be more than $300, right?

[Cut to Anne and Venessa]

Venessa: Well, it kind of is. But, look at the soft griped organically designed handle. I mean, ah!

Anne: Yeah, that’s great.[Cut to Anne] But still, money wise, I’m gonna go crazy and say it’s $400?

[Cut to Anne and Venessa]

Venessa: Okay, okay, just watch this. [Venessa opens the lid and puts an apple in the blender.] Put this in here. And, okay.

[Venessa starts the blender]

Do you see what it’s doing to this apple? I didn’t even core it. And it’s so quiet.

[Anne turns the blender off]

Anne: No, it’s not that quiet. Dina, seriously, how much is this?

[Cut to Venessa]

Venessa: 650.

[Cut to Anne]

Anne: Wow! Really? Wow! [Cut to Anne and Venessa] Okay.

Venessa: You know, it’s a great blender. I use it everyday. It makes nut butters. So, yeah! 650 is a lot but– I don’t know. It just works so good and pulses–

[Venessa puts a carrot in the blender and turns it on and quickly, off]

Anne: What are you doing?

[Cut to Venessa]

Venessa: I feel like you’re judging me. Like, you think that I’m crazy.

[Cut to Anne]

Anne: I don’t. I’m not. I- I didn’t say anything like that. [Cut to Anne and Venessa] I think it’s a great blender.

Venessa: It is. It absolutely is. You should get one. I mean, if you can.

[Cut to Anne looking offended.]

Anne: If I can?

[Cut to Venessa]

Venessa: No, I just– The way you reacted when I told you the price. [Cut to Anne and Venessa] It makes it seem like maybe you don’t have that kind of income to cover a purchase like this.

Anne: Yeah! Okay! Well, you and your nut butter maybe need to dilate back a little bit.

Venessa: I’m just trying to share with you how great this machine is. And you’re just– [Cut to Venessa] Look, um, I know you’re having a hard time financially.

[Cut to Anne and Venessa]

Anne: What?

Venessa: You have money problems.

Anne: How do you even know my money situation?

Venessa: Anne, this community is small. You know that. Anne!

[Cut to Anne very angry]

Anne: Robert and I are, we’re gonna be fine, okay? You can just let everybody know that if they’re so concerned.

[Cut to Anne and Venessa]

Venessa: Okay. I will.

Anne: We can get a Vitamix! We can get a Vitamix in two seconds if we wanted to.

Venessa: I never said you couldn’t, Anne. Look, do you want any more juice?

Anne: I don’t want anymore anything.

Venessa: Okay, then I think you could just go home.

Anne: Great! I will.

[Anne takes her glass, throws it to the sink and leaves.] [Cut to Venessa feeling angry] [Cut to Vitamix commercial]

Female voice: Vitamix, they’re just jealous.

[Cut to Venessa in her kitchen.] [Anne walks by the window behind Venessa]

Anne: Enjoy all the ridiculous expensive stuff you own.

Venessa: I do!

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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