Michael Che[Starts with Weekend Update intro] Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.
[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]
Colin Jost: Good evening.
Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost and here are tonight’s top stories.[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of US and Cuban flag.]
President Obama announced this week that the US will restore diplomatic relations with Cuba after more than 50 years. Which is great news for Cuba’s Chief Export, [Picture changes to Cubans crossing the border on a boat.] Cubans.[Picture changes to a cover photo of movie “The Interview”.]
After threats from terrorists and a massive hack by the North Korean government, Sony Pictures has pulled the movie ‘The Interview’ from theaters. So, for the first time ever, [Picture changes to Seth Rogan’s high face.] a stoner was right to feel paranoid.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of cover photo of movie “The Interview”]
Michael Che: This week, Sony Pictures announced that it would not release the movie ‘The Interview’, drawing criticism for giving it to terrorist threats. Because studios of course are only supposed to give end to the threats of the actors… and directors… and producers and agents and focus groups and bloggers, theater chains, conservative groups, liberal groups and anyone with a damn twitter account.[Picture changes to North Korean flag and FBI logo]
The FBI has confirmed that North Korea was behind the hacking of Sony Pictures. So, I want to take a moment to talk to North Korean leader, Kim Jong Un. Look, Kimberly, me and you, we’re not that different. We both take a lot of hit on the internet, we both love basketball and we both have black barbers apparently. And I get why you’re upset. You feel like the cool kids are making fun of you, but dying in a movie is a good thing. You know who else died in the movie? Bubba from Forest Gump. And his death influenced the chain of Shrimp restaurant. [Picture changes to a restaurant board that says, “Bubba Gump Shrimp Co.”] That could be you, man! That could be a 90 minute wait at Kim Jong-Un’s Times Square Grill. Which brings me to merchandising. And let me tell you something, Kimberly, your look would be a huge hit at lesbian weddings.
In a new interview, President Obama said that there is no black man his age who hasn’t been mistaken for valet at a restaurant. “Oh, come on! That was one time,” said Joe Biden.