Michael Che[Starts with Weekend Update intro]
Announcer: It’ Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set]
Michael Che: Good evening. Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Julia Pierson at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: Julia Pierson announced Wednesday that she would resign as head of the Secret Service. Pierson made the announcement at she dove out of the way of a man running toward the president.[Picture changes to White House]
After a series of security breaches, the Secret Service said that the front door to the White House now locks automatically, unless you kind of jiggle it.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Texas state at right top corner.]
Michael Che: According to officials at the CDC, the first case of Ebola in the US has been diagnosed in Texas. And according to WebMD, you already have it.[Picture changes to Rick Perry]
Texas governor Rick Perry said that the first man in the US diagnosed with Ebola had contact with several school age children. You know who I feel bad for? Texas school teachers. I mean it’s hard enough going to school teaching kids that god created at the world in like 1942, and the first two people were John Wayne and Barbara Bush. But now you gotta deal with 6 foot country boys coughing off a monkey disease. And also, who goes to Texas and Africa? Like, there’s never a reason to do that unless you’re a missionary or [Picture changes to Hakeem Olajuwon] Hakeem Olajuwon.
Colin Jost: It was revealed yesterday that the man in Texas diagnosed with Ebola was allowed to leave Liberia after he lied on a questionnaire of possibly contracting the disease. A questionnaire! Well, it’s good to know that our hospitals are holding Ebola patients to the same standard as a Facebook quiz. [Picture changes to a Facebook quiz.] And now officials in Liberia are prosecuting the man for lying on the questionnaire. If convicted, he could face up to… Ebola.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Kim Jong Un at right top corner.]
Michael Che: According to report, Kim Jong Un has not been seen in public for over a month after injuring his ankles. And not as I had hoped, because he’s traveling around the world in Dennis Rodman’s backpack.