Michael Che[Starts with Weekend Update intro]
Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]
Michael Che: Good evening. Welcome to weekend update. I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of New York city and Ebola virus at left top corner.]
Thursday, officials confirmed the first case of Ebola in New York. So, it’s official, New York city has all the diseases.[Picture changes to New York city map]
According to reports, before the New York city doctor diagnosed with Ebola began showing symptoms, he went for a run, visited the high line, then took three different subways and went to a bowling alley in Brooklyn. This dude did more in a day with Ebola than I’ve done all month. I’m starting to think that he has not Ebola but more, he just like, drank a Red Bull. I’m just kidding. Red Bull is way worse for you.[Picture changes to a bowling alley]
And now owners of the Brooklyn bowling alley where New York doctor with Ebola visited, are having the entire facility professionally cleaned. Thus, making it no longer technically a bowling alley.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s is a picture of US country and Ebola virus at right top corner.]
Michael Che: According to a new phone poll, 45% of Americans are concerned that they’ll get Ebola. The other 55% wouldn’t answer the phone because they thought that might be the way you get Ebola.
I’m sick of the Ebola panic. I mean, where I have I heard this before? It’s mostly white people afraid of it, but it’s killing mostly black people. Kind of like, black people. I’m not saying black people are like Ebola. I’m saying we’re treated the same. I mean nobody thinks about us till we show up in your neighborhood at your favorite bowling alley and go home with a few white girls. And then it’s, “Oh, we got to do something about this.”[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of basketball and a football at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: A new report was released this week accusing UNC of more than Colin Jost8 years of academic fraud, involving more than 3,000 student athletes. UNC student athletes refuted the report calling it both, ungood and distrue.