Michael Che[Starts with Weekend Update intro]
Announcer: This is Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]
Michael Che: Good evening. Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s is a picture of Barack Obama at left top corner.]
President Obama on Thursday announced that he was bypassing congress and issuing executive actions that will prevent the deportation of nearly 5 million illegal immigrants. So, in six years, Obama has gone from ‘Yes We Can’ to ‘Yeah, I can.’ For much more on this immigration story, bring it up to your grandfather at thanksgiving.[Picture changes to Steven Cohen]
During a hearing about the recent failures of the Secret Service, democrat Steven Cohen suggested securing the White House with a moat. Because nothing says, “You’re in tune with the people” like building a moat.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Bill Cosby at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Hey, Bill Cosby! Pull your damn pants up! I’ve always wanted to say that. In the wake of allegations against Bill Costy, TV Land pulled all reruns of the Cosby show. And I don’t know how to feel about that because I don’t know Bill Cosby, but Cliff Huxtable practically raised me. I love that dude. And the only thing he ever tried to sneak when people were asleep was a Hogi. So, while I may never forgive Bill Cosby, hopefully someday I can forgive Dr. Huxtable. I mean, I know it’s not the same thing, but I forgave Craimwa.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a pipeline at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: Democrats in the senate were able to stop a bill authorizing the controversial Keystone XL pipeline even though the project could have created thousands of good jobs cleaning off birds.
Michael Che: An anticipation of the grand jury decision in Ferguson, governor Jay Nixon has declared the state of emergency and deployed the national guard. So, spoiler alert, I guess we know what the verdict is. Deploying the national guard before the verdict is like your lawyer telling you to show up to court in something orange.