Michael Che[Starts with Weekend Update intro]
Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.] [cheers and applause]
Michael Che: Good evening. Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of US flat, Police Department of New York badge and jury chairs at left top corner.]
A Staten Island Grand Jury on Wednesday decided not to indict a New York city police officer in the death of Eric Garner. Because I guess even the jury didn’t wanna see him like they were resisting police.[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]
Michael Che: Come on, man! Give them a break, Colin. It was a tough call. It’s not like there was video of it.
Colin Jost: Oh, well, actually there was.
Michael Che: Oh, but I mean it was inadmissible in court.
Colin Jost: Oh, no. The jury saw it.
Michael Che: They saw the video but it was like blurry and far away.
Colin Jost: Actually it was pretty clear and close up.
Michael Che: Oh, so the cop didn’t really choke that guy?
Colin Jost: Oh, no, he definitely did.
Michael Che: Well, I mean its sad but Garner shouldn’t have killed all those people, if, you know–
Colin Jost: Well, actually he was just selling lose cigarettes.
Michael Che: Oh, for real?
Colin Jost: Che, you honestly not know any of this?
Michael Che: No, I knew it, I’m just surprised every damn time I hear it. It never gets easier.[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of jury chairs at right top corner.]
Both Grand Juries failed to indict those cops? You know, it used to be, “You said you were racist to get out of jury duty.” Now, being racist seems like a requirement. I mean, these decisions were so bad that I might actually stop avoiding jury duty. And usually, I can’t serve because of my children. They’re both very sick and very made up. But now, I can’t wait to go. I might just show up at court and see if they take walk-ins. Better juries are our only hope. It’s either that or we can play these videos and and photo negative so that the cops are black and the victims are white. And then, maybe somebody will go to jail.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Staten Island map on left top corner.]
Colin Jost: Look, here’s the thing, okay? I’m from Staten Island, okay? Staten Island is a great place to live. It is a terrible place to hold a Grand Jury involving race and cops. Staten Island was like 80% white and like, 95% cops. The other 5% is split between firefighters and members of the Wu Tang Clan. That’s why nothing about this Grand Jury seemed fair. It’s like when they move the Rodney King trial to the whitest suburb of LA, or for people under 30, [Picture changes to a scene in Game of Thrones.] it’s like Peter Dinklage was on trial in Game of Thrones and his dad was the judge. So, please, everyone sake, please, keep the cop trials out of Staten Island. We’re not ready for these complicated modern issues yet. We still arrive in Manhattan everyday huddled in a boat.
Michael Che: In other news, a major power outage struck Detroit this week leaving roughly 100 buildings without power. The problem will be fixed once someone in Detroit notices the difference.[Picture changes to Oprah Winfrey.]
According to a recently released report, authorities in Michael Che009 stopped a terrorist plot to bomb Oprah Winfrey Studios. Which explains why Oprah was always saying, “Everybody look under your seats.”[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Monica Bellucci.]
Colin Jost: It was announced this week that the next James Bond movie will feature actress Monica Bellucci, who at 50 will be the oldest Bond girl ever. Said Bellucci, “Please stop describing me that way.”