Michael Che[Starts with Weekend Update intro]
Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]
Colin Jost: Good evening.
Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Prince William and Kate Middleton at left top corner.]
Prince William and Kate Middleton visited New York city this week. While they were here, they saw the Brooklyn Nets play against LeBron James and the Cleveland Cavaliers. LeBron finished with 18 points, four rebounds [Picture changes to Prince William and Kate Middleton and LeBron James. LeBron has his hand on Kate’s shoulder while Prince William is looking away] and one steal.[Picture changes to CIA logo and a file.]
The senate this week released a report on the CIA’s harsh interrogation methods which included details such as the rectal feeding a pure aid hummus, pasta, nuts and raisins. Actually, I don’t know if that was from the torture report or it was just a cleanse I read about on goop.[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of Dick Cheney at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Dick Cheney criticized the senate report on CIA interrogation methods as “A bunch of hooey”. Cheney also complained that the report’s description of torture “bare got me hard.”
The senate report shows that the CIA paid two psychologists $80 million to design the torture program. $80 million? Were they waterboarding with [Picture changes to a bottle of Palleogrino] Palleogrino? Also you don’t have to use torture to get people to admit stuff. Just get them really drunk and log them into facebook. It worked on my ex, that’s how I found out my son’s real father was Denver Nuggets. Hey, but I still love you little [Picture changes to JaVale McGee’s face on baby’s body] JaVale McGee Jr.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Sony PlayStation on left top corner.]
Colin Jost: Sony was hit by another cyber attack this week, which took it’s PlayStation network offline for hours. Giving gamers a chance to finally go outside and get some fresh weed.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of oil barrels on right top corner.]
Michael Che: For the first time in five years, the price of oil fell below $60 a barrel, which is so low that it also a pretty good deal on barrels.