Colin Jost
Michael Che
[Starts with Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Peyton Manning at left top corner]
Colin Jost: Peyton Manning this week broke Brett Farve’s NFL record when he threw his 509th touchdown pass. Farve sent Manning a congratulatory text just as soon as he finished writing ‘good job’ on his penis.
[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of a cake at right top corner.]
Michael Che: A bakery in Texas has created a new dessert that is a pumpkin pie inside of a pumpkin spiced cake that is on top of a pecan pie inside a chocolate cake and topped by an apple pie inside a cake. It’s what Texans are calling diet cake.
[Picture changes to a fish fossil]
According to a new study of fossils, the act of sex used by humans was pioneered by an ancient armored fish called placoderms about 385 million years ago. But it wasn’t perfected until last night by your mama.
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Lay’s new wasabi ginger flavor at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: So aggressive. Such an aggressive serving. A nurse in New Jersey won a Lay’s potato chips contest by creating the new flavor of wasabi ginger, which sounds less like a chip flavor and more like something Joe Biden would accidentally call the Chinese ambassador.
[Picture changes to a coffee mug]
An Illinois woman has purchased 52 boxes of a pumpkin spice latte mix, which is enough to last an entire year. And no need to google it, she’s white.
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a knuckle weapon at right top corner.]
Michael Che: A school employee in Texas was arrested after he allegedly brought brass knuckles and a meth pipe to school. In his defense, he was planning on teaching someone a lesson.
[Picture changes to KFC fast food and Chinese flag]
A woman in China spent an entire week at a local KFC because she was depressed after breaking up with her boyfriend. A boyfriend who needless to say, dogged that bullet.
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a Canceled sign on TLC “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo” at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: TLC has canceled the reality show ‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ after it was reported that mama June is dating a convicted sex offender. Even though convicted sex offender is the show’s key demographic.
