Michael Che[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of McDonalds logo at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: McDonald’s is reportedly creating a new slogan for next year. “Loving beats hating”. Which narrowly defeated their other option, “eat what this clown killed.”[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Apple CEO Tim Cook at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Apple CEO Tim Cook revealed Thursday that he is gay. He had another announcement that got dudes lotting up around the block for Cook. Prints, ladies and gentlemen.[Picture changes a woman voting]
You know, this Tuesday are the midterm elections and I know a lot of people aren’t going to vote because they don’t follow politics. But that’s no excuse. I don’t know anything about politics. But last year I voted for mayor Bill de Blasio because I like his son’s Afro. And it counted just as much as a smart person’s. So, make sure you get out there and vote next Tuesday, or this Tuesday. Whatever, who cares? It’s the midterms. It’s not even important.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Dunkin’ Donuts’ at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: Dunkin’ Donuts’ announced that it will soon release a croissant donut hybrid, but insisted that it will not be called a ‘cronut’. Instead, it will be called a ‘dobage’ which is combination of donut and garbage.
A new study suggest that men who had never had sex are twice s likely to develop prostate cancer as men who have had sex. Well, I’m sold. I’m gonna try sex.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a car with Starbucks logo on it at the right top corner.]
Michael Che: Starbucks has announced plans to test out a delivery service next year. The way it works is you place your order, then a Starbucks employee shows up and destroys your bathroom. It’s the other way around.[Picture changed to a cup of coffee and few cats]
A new coffee shop has opened in California that allows customers to mingle with shelter cats. And to save everybody sometime, the owner just went ahead and named the coffe shop, “Grade F”.
Colin Jost: Residents of St. George, Utah were upset about a new city ordinance that prohibits dancing events without a permit. [Picture changes to Kevin Bacon] “I’m on it”, said Kevin Bacon.