Weekend Update Al Sharpton on the Secret Service


Colin Jost

Reverend Al Sharpton… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set]

Colin Jost: A story in the New York Times claims that African Americans feel that the President is deliberately not being protected well enough by the secret service. Here to talk about that from MSNBC, Reverend Al Sharpton.

[Reverend Al Sharpton slides in] [cheers and applause]

Reverend Al Sharpton: Thank you, thank you Colin Jost. Who tells the jokes? Excuse me. Colin Jost who tells the jokes. [audience laughing]

Colin Jost: Reverend, I’m very glad you’re here. What do you think is going on with the Secret Service?

Reverend Al Sharpton: I don’t know, it’s a secret. And I don’t think we’re getting the whole story. [Cut to Reverend Al Sharpton] From everything I’m hearing on the streets, this man went into the White House, sat down in the Lincoln bedroom, ordered a sandwich and watch the Obama family’s personal DVD of Lee Daniel’s The Butler for an hour before somebody asked what was going on.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Reverend Al Sharpton]

Colin Jost: Alright, that can’t be. So, what do you think they should be doing about this, Reverend?

Reverend Al Sharpton: Well, Colin, as I say on my network, Miss-NBC, [Cut to Reverend Al Sharpton] I think that’s NBC for ladies or something, we need to bring back a time where folks looked out for each other. For example, in my neighborhood, we got Ms. Tompkins. All day Ms. Tompkins just sits on her porch. And if she sees somebody who ain’t supposed to be there, she’ll give the neighborhood call, “Cukoo-koo-cuckoo!” And then Dirty Willy the Rhino come crawling up out of the sewer and chases you down to the next subway stop. They need a Dirty Willy at the White House.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Reverend Al Sharpton]

Colin Jost: I don’t know. I feel like the Secret Service has to handle it. You know, there’s new chief Joseph Clancy, he says that the agency is then reformed.

Reverend Al Sharpton: I don’t trust it. America is a dangerous place, Colin. Is it Kevin or Colin? Colin.

Colin Jost: It’s not Kevin. It’s not Kevin, but thank you.

[Cut to Reverend Al Sharpton]

Reverend Al Sharpton: They got this new virus, it’s called Ebola that you can get through your e-mail. Plus, this country has a gun culture. Listen to these statistics.

[Reverend Al Sharpton pulls out some papers]

According to pubis– excuse me, PBS, the United States has 10 gun deaths for every 100,000 people, Colin Jost7 times the rate of Japan where most of the homicides are from the KKK. That’s Karate, Karaoke and Kaju. That’s a sea monster Kevin– Colin.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Reverend Al Sharpton]


Colin Jost: Kevin and Kaju. Yeah, yeah! Now, what would you do if you were protecting the president?

Reverend Al Sharpton: Are you serious? I’d protect Barack Obama as hard as I can every night from 6-7 pm on Miss NBC. Even when he personally told me to stop it, I ain’t stop it.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Reverend Al Sharpton]

Colin Jost: Reverend Al Sharpton, everyone!

[cheers and applause]

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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