Colin Jost
Angela Markel… Kate McKinnon
[Starts with Colin Jost in his set.]
Colin Jost: This year’s G-20 summit of world leaders came to an odd conclusion when Vladimir Putin stormed off while German chancellor Angela Markel warned that we maybe returning to a cold war. Here to comment is German chancellor, Angela Markel.
[Angela Markel slides in]
Angela Markel: Danke, Colin.
Colin Jost: Welcome, welcome.
Angela Markel: Danke. What shakes/
Colin Jost: Nothing much. How was the G-20 summit?
Angela Markel: Oh! G-20. [Cut to Angela Markel] More like, F-U. And Putin, oh! Putin is the worst, and a brat. But not a brat worst. Now, those I like.
[Cut to Colin Jost and Angela Markel]
Colin Jost: And now, did Putin ruin the summit by storming out?
Angela Markel: Oh! [Cut to Angela Markel] Putin’s exit was but a single lemonish snicket in a series of unfortunate events. It’s like the whole summit was like a disasterous international thanksgiving dinner. Italy brought it’s 20 year old girlfriend. France brought it’s wife and it’s 20 year old girlfriend. Saudi Arabia was being insane but the US ignored it kept being like, “Pass the oil, please.”
[Cut to Colin Jost and Angela Markel]
Whoof!
Colin Jost: I’m really sorry to hear that, Angela.
Angela Markel: Also, [Cut to Colin Jost] I was told at the summit that I have resting bitch face. But that cannot be true. In Germany, we don’t rest. We toil until we collapse.
[Cut to Colin Jost and Angela Markel]
Colin Jost: And now, did you get to talk to President Obama at all while you were there?
Angela Markel: Oh! My poor Barack. Talk about senioritous. [Cut to Angela Markel] She just smokes cigarettes and stare to the calendar of Angela Markel0Colin Jost7. America has turned their back to him. I’d turn my back to him, but in a fun way.
[Cut to Colin Jost and Angela Markel]
I bet his Keystone pipeline is XL.
Colin Jost: Angela!
Angela Markel: I don’t know. I don’t know. It’s just… it’s summits. They make you want to do crazy things.
Colin Jost: Like what?
[Cut to Angela Markel]
Angela Markel: Like, grow my hand down to my padded shoulders. Trade my nude bras in for cool beige bras. I want to show up at an old boyfriend’s rock show wearing a shirt that shows my stomach hole. That’s what you call a bellybutton. Bellybutton. So, German chancellor, don’t! So, German chancellor, don’t! So, German chancellor, don’t want none unless you’ve got schnöp son!
[Cut to Colin Jost and Angela Markel]
Colin Jost: Angela, I gotta say. I think you need to stay away from summits for a while.
Angela Markel: You’re right. You’re right. I might end up putting on red lip paint in German-kissing a stranger.
Colin Jost: I’m sorry, what’s a German-kiss?
[Cut to Angela Markel]
Angela Markel: That’s when you cover the teeth and make the lips into a firm ‘O’. And you just sort of have like a labelled heeve. Whoo! Whoo!
[Cut to Colin Jost and Angela Markel]
[Colin Jost and Angela Markel try the German-kiss]
Colin Jost: I can’t.
Angela Markel: I can’t.
Colin Jost: Angela Markel, everyone.
[cheers and applause]
