Colin Jost
Charles Manson… Taran Killam
Star Burton… Cecily Strong
[Starts with Colin Jost in his set.]
Colin Jost: Imprisoned cult leader Charles Manson has reportedly found love and will soon be wed to his 26 year old girlfriend. Here to profess their love are Charles Manson and his bride to be, Star Burton.
[Charles Manson and Star Burton slide in]
Star Burton: Thanks for giving us a chance to tell our story, Colin.
Charles Manson: I can see you up there, man! I can see you. Jesus Christ wears a mask but you’re naked little mouse.
Star Burton: Charlie, what did I say?
[Cut to Charles Manson and Star Burton]
Charles Manson: Use your inside voice.
Star Burton: And?
Charles Manson: Don’t try to melt people’s face off with my mind. I know. I’m sorry. I’m just so excited, Colin. I mean, I love this woman. I’m over the moon and love and I just want to kill the world about it.
[Cut to Colin Jost, Charles Manson and Star Burton[
Colin Jost: Wait, what?
Charles Manson: Tell the world. Tell the world about it.
Colin Jost: Star, when did you first realize you had feelings for Mr. Manson?
[Cut to Charles Manson and Star Burton]
Star Burton: Um, it didn’t take long. That manly beard, his winning smile, the way his empty black eyes dart around like hagfish in a bucket.
Charles Manson: Aw!
[Cut to Colin Jost, Charles Manson and Star Burton]
Colin Jost: Don’t. Don’t. I have to say, Star. A lot of people are disturbed that you could fall in love with such a notorious criminal.
[Cut to Charles Manson and Star Burton]
Star Burton: Ouf! Notorious criminal? Charlie is a victim. I mean, whoever heard of getting a life sentence for income tax evasion.
[Cut to Colin Jost, Charles Manson and Star Burton]
[Charles Manson is silent]
Colin Jost: Wait, did he tell you he was–
Charles Manson: [interrupting making noises] [whispers to Colin Jost] Don’t blow this for me, man!
[Cut to Charles Manson and Star Burton]
Star Burton: People just don’t understand what we have together. Charlie and I are soulmates. We finish each other’s sentences–
Charles Manson: [trying to finish Star Burton’s sentence] Spider penis.
[Cut to Colin Jost, Charles Manson and Star Burton]
Colin Jost: Doesn’t seem like you were on a same page there.
Star Burton: Are you kidding? [Cut to Charles Manson and Star Burton] He is the ying to my–
Charles Manson: [trying to finish Star Burton’s sentence] Something flash.
Star Burton: We are just– We’re like peanut butter and–
Charles Manson: [trying to finish Star Burton’s sentence] Chaos. Look, Colin. We don’t expect you’d understand. What we’re trying to say is, love is crazy.
[Cut to Colin Jost, Charles Manson and Star Burton]
And nobody understands crazy better than me. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
[Charles Manson kisses Star Burton]
Colin Jost: Charles Manson and Star Burton, everyone. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.
Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Good night.
