Colin Jost
Michael Che
Drunk Uncle… Bobby Moynihan
[Starts with Michael in his set]
Michael Che: Well, it’s almost Halloween. And that means families will be out Trick or Treating. Here with his take on Halloween this year is drunk uncle.
[cheers and applause]
[Drunk Uncle slides in with his glass]
So, how are you drunk uncle?
Drunk Uncle: Oh, trick or treat! I’m sorry. 5th floor please.
Michael Che: No man! I’m the new Update anchor.
[Drunk Uncle is confused]
[Drunk Uncle slides his chair behind Michael Che and then to the side of Drunk Uncle]
Drunk Uncle: Yeah, this feels better. Oh! Trick or treat, smell my feet, kids used to volunteer to fight for their country.
Colin Jost: Drunk uncle! Be nice.
Drunk Uncle: Hey, hey! [Drunk Uncle puts a trash can’s cover on his head] Ouch! What’s my costume?
Colin Jost: I don’t know. Oscar the grouch?
[Cut to Drunk Uncle]
Drunk Uncle: No, I’m America because that’s where we are now, in the garbage.
[Drunk Uncle throws away the trash can cover.]
[Cut to Drunk Uncle and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: Well, you must be excited for Halloween? Right?
Drunk Uncle: More like Horrorwin. You know? I mean, like, “Oh! What are you going as little girl?” “Oh, I’m going as disappointing my father.” People don’t even trick or treat anymore, Colin. You know? [Cut to Drunk Uncle] When I was a kid, monsters were men. It was just ghost, goblin, Frankenstein, Dracula. Nowadays, it’s just, “Trick or treat! Can you put some goji berries in my drop box please?” Is this GoPro farm to table? NFL anywhere. If you can watch the NFL anywhere, then why can’t I watch it in the damn toilet, Linda?
[Cut to Drunk Uncle and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: Alright, come on, drunk uncle.
Drunk Uncle: Fit bit. Fit bit. Fit bit. The only exercise I get is chasing those damn gypsies off my lawn.
Colin Jost: Those were costumes.
Drunk Uncle: They were like, “Oh! Trick or treat!” Well, guess what? We already got trick. It’s called Pearl Harbor.
Colin Jost: Alright. Drunk uncle, I think you’re a little too drunk.
Drunk Uncle: Yeah! I got trapped in a corn maze. Oh! Excuse me. I’m sorry. A native American maze.
[Cut to Drunk Uncle]
[Drunk Uncle starts singing, and then crying]
[Cut to Drunk Uncle and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: Oh, drunk uncle. Are you crying?
Drunk Uncle: So I’m not a jack of lanterns. Oh yeah? So I don’t know how to commit murder [blabbering unintelligible words]. Okay? So I’m not a graveyard smash, okay? [blabbering unintelligible words] That’s not me.
Colin Jost: That’s not anyone.
Drunk Uncle: Hey, hey. You wanna hear a joke?
Colin Jost: Sure.
Drunk Uncle: What is black and white and red all over?
Colin Jost: A newspaper?
Drunk Uncle: Oh, no, that’s better. I was going to say something super racist. So, yeah. [Drunk Uncle starts singing]
Colin Jost: Drunk uncle, everybody! For Weenend Update, I’m Colin Jost.
Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Good night.
