Katt Williams… Jay Pharoah
Suge Knight… Kenan Thompson[Starts with Michael Che on his news set]
Michael Che: This Wednesday, comedian Katt Williams and Hip Hop model Suge Knight were arrested for stealing a photographer’s camera. Here to comment, are Katt Williams and Suge Knight.[Katt Williams and Suge Knight slide in] [cheers and applause]
Katt Williams: Sir, we swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the–
Michael Che: No, no. You don’t have to do that here. You good.
Katt Williams: Oh, well better safe than sorry.
Michael Che: Alright, so you were both arrested together on this?
Katt Williams: Excuse me. Is that even a question? [Cut to Katt Williams and Suge Knight] I climb up on this scary man’s back and ride him around like Yoda Roda Mr. Luke Skywalker. You feel what I’m saying?[Cut to Katt Williams, Michael Che and Suge Knight]
Michael Che: I would love to see that. But tell me what happened with the photographer? Is this for real?
Suge Knight: Nah! You know what I’m saying? It was like barely an altercation. I mean, I was only shot five times.
Michael Che: That’s a lot, man.
Suge Knight: Not for me. [Cut to Katt Williams and Suge Knight] My body got so much layer, I’m like a 300 pound number two.
Katt Williams: This man has so many bullets lodged in him that set off metal detectors at Laguardia airport right damn now. That’s what he’s dong.
Michael Che: Okay, let me ask the real question. Are you guilty of this?
Suge Knight: Well, you know. I’ve been wanting to speak on that. Okay. [Cut to Katt Williams and Suge Knight] Because, what I do, you know what I’m saying? Is I be sneaking. Do a little legal begal. Private plane, all in the shower hiding behind the eskimo. So, when you talk about the past, that’s all in the future.[Cut to Katt Williams, Michael Che and Suge Knight]
Michael Che: What the hell are you talking about?
Katt Williams: Ah, Michael Che, sir, you’ll have to excuse Mr. Knight right now, okay? We have so much marijuana inside us, we can cure glaucoma by blowing in your eyes. Just, [blows], you’re cured.[Cut to Katt Williams, Michael Che and Suge Knight]
Michael Che: Suge, you got a lot of priors, man. I mean, you can get 30 years for this. Do you have anything to say about it?[Cut to Katt Williams and Suge Knight]
Suge Knight: Yeah! Stop arresting us.
Katt Williams: Absolutely correct, Michael. Y’all know this ain’t gonna take. Okay, look. I had been arrested so much that a police car is basically my Uber. You feel what I’m saying? But it never sticks. Okay?[Cut to Katt Williams, Michael Che and Suge Knight]
Michael Che: So, it sounds like you’re admitting to this.
Katt Williams: Ah, look here. [Cut to Katt Williams and Suge Knight] Somebody in the hip hop community has to actually be bad. I mean Tupac is gone. Kanye designs men’s blouses. It’s true. And the biggest feud in hip hop is between Ice Cube and a can of course light. Halama-Shanda-Tanana, thank you Jesus.[Cut to Katt Williams, Michael Che and Suge Knight]
Michael Che: Alright, there. Katt Williams and Suge Knights ladies and gentlemen. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.
Katt Williams: I’m Colin Jost.