Colin Jost
Kim Kardashian… Nicki Minaj
[Starts with Colin Jost in his set.]
Colin Jost: On Thursday, Kim Kardashian attended a launch party at Art Basel in Miami or the issue of Paper magazine featuring her now famous nude photos. Here to comment on those photos is Kim Kardashian.
[Kim Kardashian slides in]
Kim Kardashian: Hi. Hi you guys, it’s me Kim.
Colin Jost: Welcome, Kim. Now, I have to ask, what was the idea behind these nude photos.
Kim Kardashian: Well Colin, the entire thing was completely misinterpreted. Like, look at this photo. [Cut to a picture of Kim Kardashian’s nude photo but the face is of Nicki Minaj.]
Colin Jost: Uh-huh. Yes.
[Cut to Colin Jost and Kim Kardashian]
Kim Kardashian: Do you notice anything?
Colin Jost: I definitely notice something, yes.
Kim Kardashian: There’s no background to the photo. [Cut to Kim Kardashian] They forgot to put the backgrounds in so the photos are completely out of context. Here’s the same photo with the proper background.
[Cut to the same picture, but now she is in a hospital where the doctor is looking at her vagina with a torch.]
[Cut to Kim Kardashian]
Kim Kardashian: See? It was actually a public service announcement about getting regular check-ups from your gynecologist. Or, this photo with the champagne.
[Cut to a picture of Kim Kardashian opening a champagne.]
Now, let’s see it with the right background.
[The picture changes to her teaching in class in front of the classroom board.]
[Cut to Kim Kardashian]
See? It was actually a part of a math competition for a high school seniors.
Colin Jost: Oh, it’s nice.
Kim Kardashian: And spoiler alert, x equals full frontal.
[Cut to Colin Jost and Kim Kardashian]
Colin Jost: I guess learning can be fun.
Kim Kardashian: How about this one?
[Cut to a nude photo of Kim Kardashain from the back.]
Notice how my rear end is all oily.
[Cut to Colin Jost and Kim Kardashian]
Colin Jost: Um, yeah, I did notice that as well.
Kim Kardashian: Well, look at the background.
[Cut to the same picture, but now she is on a beach. There is a bird on her butt.]
[Cut to Colin Jost and Kim Kardashian]
See, it’s a warning about the Keystone pipeline.
Colin Jost: Well, you know, you have some real vision, Kim. You know?
Kim Kardashian: And finally, take a look at this one.
[Cut to nude picture of Kim Kardashian from the front.]
Colin Jost: Okay, now what was that supposed to be?
[Cut to Colin Jost and Kim Kardashian]
Kim Kardashian: It was gonna be my Hanukkah card for my Jewish friends.
[Cut to a candle 9 candle holder. But instead of candles, there are pictures of Kim Kardashain from previous photo. And there are lights on her heads.]
[Cut to Colin Jost and Kim Kardashian]
Colin Jost: Kim Kardashian, everyone!
Kim Kardashian: Bye!
Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.
Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Good night.
