Leslie Jones[Starts with Colin Jost in his set.]
Colin Jost: With more and more states legalizing marijuana, many businesses have begun to cater to users of the drug, including dating websites such as 4Leslie Jones0singles.com. Here to comment is Weekend Update relationship expert, Leslie Jones.[Leslie Jones slides in] [cheers and applause]
Leslie Jones: Yeah! How are you doing, Colin? Great to be here.
Colin Jost: Great to have you back, Leslie. So, what do you think about this dating website for people who smoke weed?
Leslie Jones: Man, I think it’s great! [Cut to Leslie Jones] Coz you gotta be high to go on a date with a stranger. You know what I’m saying? Have you seen “Criminal Minds?” But you gotta be careful because some of those people on those sites do a lot of other drugs other than weed. You know what I’m saying? Like, crazy white folks drugs. Like, mushrooms. I went out with one of them dudes on that site and he wanted me to try mushrooms. Ay, you know me, Jost. [Cut to Colin Jost and Leslie Jones] You know, I try anything. You know what I’m saying? At least one time. You know? Like, dating sites, white dudes, you know what I’m saying? Might as well add mushrooms to the list. I’m trying it all coz I’m open, you know what I’m saying? Open.
Colin Jost: I don’t think anyone doubts that.
Leslie Jones: Well, however open you thought I was, triple it. [Cut to Leslie Jones] But what I found out people, what I found out is that black people, they don’t need to do mushrooms. It’s not for us. We’ve been through too damn much. You know what I’m saying? We’ve been through too much stuff that we have locked behind doors in our minds that the mushrooms have keys to. Man, when I took the mushrooms, I talked to Harriet Tubman for two hours. And I ain’t even asking none of the good questions. I was like, “Um, so for this underground railroad, Harriet, can I use my metro card? How many stops to freedom, Harriet? I don’t want to be on this train all night.” And then I tried to explain to her HBO and Showtime are not friends. Why do they keep putting them in the same package? They don’t even like each other.[Cut to Colin Jost and Leslie Jones. Leslie Jones looks at Colin Jost and Colin Jost keeps his mouth zipped.]
Then she looked at me and she said, “Bitch, I don’t know. [Cut to Leslie Jones] I don’t have cable. I am from the 1800s.
Have you ever been called a bitch? By Harriet Tubman, Jost?
Colin Jost: Definitely not.
Leslie Jones: I know you ain’t, you refreshing peppermint paddy. Let me be your chocolate on your paddy.[Cut to Leslie Jones]
So, I’m sticking to weed, you know what I’m saying? Because talking to Harriet Tubman is not a good date. You wanna date with me, bring me flower. And when I say flowers, I mean weed. Because I smoke my flowers.[Cut to Colin Jost and Leslie Jones]
Colin Jost: Leslie Jones, everybody!