Colin Jost
Leslie Jones
[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]
Colin Jost: A California woman was arrested after she tried to break into the house of a man she met online by sneaking in through his chimney. Here with her thoughts on this story is Weekend Update relationship expert, Leslie Jones.
[Leslie Jones slides in]
[cheers and applause]
Leslie Jones: What’s up Colin? Great to be here.
Colin Jost: It’s great to have you. Now, what do you think about this woman who snuck in through the chimney.
Leslie Jones: You know what, Colin? Look, I sympathize with this woman. [Cut to Leslie Jones] When stuff like this happens, men just love to call woman names like crazy bitch. Crazy bitch!
[Cut to Colin Jost and Leslie Jones]
Y’all got your nerve calling women crazy but you men is just as crazy as us. [Cut to Leslie Jones] Y’all can’t even handle our bodies. Every time you look at our breasts, you lose your damn minds.
[Cut to Colin Jost and Leslie Jones]
Look at my breasts, Colin.
Colin Jost: No.
Leslie Jones: [yelling] Look at my breasts.
Colin Jost: I feel like I have to talk to HR first.
Leslie Jones: See, men, you just want to touch them and squeeze them and mash them together. And if you can’t do that, you’re staring at them all creepy like. [Cut to Leslie Jones] Every girl out there grew up with some uncle staring at them at thanksgiving, saying how much you’ve grown. And they ain’t really even your uncle. They just some dude your dad work with. It’s personal!
[Cut to Colin Jost and Leslie Jones]
Colin Jost: We got that.
[Cut to Leslie Jones]
Leslie Jones: So, you men think you crazy, you give us that crazy. We got to be crazy. We take men inside of us. Inside of our heart. Inside of our souls. Inside of our Netflix account.
[Cut to Colin Jost and Leslie Jones]
Do you know how gangster that is? To take all of that inside of you, Jost?
Leslie Jones: I guess its– yes. It’s pretty gangster.
Colin Jost: You better believe it’s gangster you tall glass of almond milk.
[audience laughing]
[Cut to Leslie Jones]
Ay, you know what? When we first started dating y’all, we don’t even know what we’re taking inside of us anyway. We gotta be ready for whatever penis bring to the house. We don’t know if it’s long, short, wide, skinny, bumpy, scratchy, smooth, crooked. We don’t know which one of the seven dwarfs you gonna bring. And we gotta hug you. We gotta hug you when we make love to you. We got to put our hands on your sweaty, hairy ass. And you can’t even call me back tomorrow?
So, you listen here crazy chimney bitch. When some man call you a crazy bitch, you own it. You are crazy bitch. I’m a crazy bitch. We gotta be crazy. And please believe me, if you end up in our pants, don’t be surprised if we end up in your chimney.
[Cut to Colin Jost and Leslie Jones]
Colin Jost: Leslie Jones, everybody!
Leslie Jones: I’ll be in your chimney, Jost.
