Michael Che
Pete Davidson
[Starts with Michael Che in his news set]Michael Che: A recent report by the census for disease control states that 110 million Americans have sexually transmitted diseases at any one time. Here to talk about it is our resident young person, Pete Davidson.
[Pete Davidson slides in] [cheers and applause]Pete Davidson: What’s up Mike?
Michael Che: Now, Pete, you’re a young person. What precautions do you have to prevent STDs?
Pete Davidson: Well. like, recently I got lucky and I had sex. But the next day I woke up, I looked at my penis, it looked all messed up.
Michael Che: Well, you used the condom, right?
Pete Davidson: Yeah! That’s exactly why I was so scared. [Cut to Pete Davidson] Like, “How did I get something if I used a condom? Was she that bad of a person? That it burned through the condom? Was that possible?”
[Cut to Pete Davidson and Michael Che]Michael Che: Well, what did you do?
Pete Davidson: Oh, I did what anybody else would do. I sent a picture of my penis to my mom because she’s a nurse, and I figured she would know.
Michael Che: You sent a picture of your penis to your mother?
Pete Davidson: Yeah, but I forgot to call her. Is that weird?
Michael Che: Yeah, man. That’s pretty weird.
Pete Davidson: Look, my mom sees plenty of penises [Cut to Pete Davidson] and make sure they’re okay. Why not see her own son’s? You know? My penis should be the most important to her in every way except one.
[Cut to Pete Davidson and Michael Che]Michael Che: Alright, but it still kind of weird, Pete.
Pete Davidson: I know. But, [Cut to Pete Davidson] I love her. And I was like– I sent it in nice way. I was like, “Hey, mom. Sorry to bother you, but do you see anything wrong here?” She responds, “Yeah, Pete. Definitely something wrong. You’re sending me pictures of your penis. What’s wrong with you? I’m a school nurse.”
[Cut to Pete Davidson and Michael Che]Michael Che: So, what did you end up doing?
Pete Davidson: Well, after a weekend of staring at my penis, I went to the doctor. [Cut to Pete Davidson] And he sayd, “Look Pete, this is crazy. This is really crazy. But it turns out, you’re allergic to condoms.” And I was like, “Well, what does that mean?” And he said, “It means, you can’t wear condoms ever.” And I was like, “Really?” I was like, “Are you a doctor or my best friend every? What else? Is my dad coming back?” And he goes, “No, stupid. You still gotta wear something.” He said, “You gotta use lambskin.” So, I was like, “Alright.” So, I went to the Daily. No, I went to the pharmacy first and I got the lambskin condoms. And then the lady rung them up and she was like, “$64”. And I was like, “Never mind. I’ll just deal with fake Herpes.” I’m not paying $64 for condoms. How is lambskin condom’s $64? Lamb over rice is only $5.99.
[Cut to Pete Davidson and Michael Che]Michael Che: That’s a good point. Pete Davidson, everybody.
[cheers and applause]