Pete Davidson[Starts with Michael Che in his news set]
Michael Che: A Pennsylvania teenager faces up to Michael Che years in prison for photographing himself in a sexual position with a statue of Jesus. Here to comment is our resident young person. Pete Davidson.[Pete Davidson slides in] [cheers and applause]
Pete Davidson: How’s it going, Che?
Michael Che: Good. Everything is good. Now, do you approve what this kid did?
Pete Davidson: I don’t approve of what he did but however, kids my age do that stuff all the time. For example, have you ever played the ‘how much money would you go down on the guy for’ game?
Michael Che: I don’t think so, Pete.
Pete Davidson: Well, [Cut to Pete Davidson] for those of you who don’t know what the game is, it’s basically one of your friends will be like, “Hey, man, would you go down a guy for $1 million?” And then we would all lie and be like, “No!”[Cut to Pete Davidson and Michael Che]
Michael Che: So, you’re saying you would go down on a guy for $1 million?
Pete Davidson: Of course I would. $1 million is a steel. [Cut to Pete Davidson] I hope he starts with a million. I would do it for like, 3,000 if I had to be honest with myself. Even if I was doing well. Like, even if I was on a boat and it was my boat, I would still do it. A boat needs fuel. A lot of people don’t realize that. They just get a boat and then they’re in the middle of the ocean with no fuel and they’re like, “I wish I had done with that guy.” You know? I wouldn’t be stuck in the middle of the ocean now.
People would be like, “Well, Pete, you must be gay.” And I’m like, “No, I’m a businessman.” Look, if you’re gay, it’s fine. Me and my friends are just trying to make money. Alright? If you don’t go down on a guy for $1 million, you obviously don’t care about your family.
When I was in high school 3 years ago, my opinion was different. Whenever I played that game and my friends asked me if would go down on a guy for $1 million, I’d be like, “No, gross!” And I mean that because times were different. I lived with my mom at that time. I had food, clothes, I had a TV in my room. I didn’t need to go down on the guy. My mom was already doing that.
But now, I live on my own. So, I think two times a year is acceptable amount of times to go down on a guy. It makes complete sense. Once in the summer so you have a great summer. You go to six flags and bring your entire family. Get the flash pass. And then once right before Christmas so the whole family eats. I actually think that’s quite noble. Just think of how proud you’ll be at thanksgiving dinner when your grandpa’s saying grace and he’s like, “We’d like to thank Pete’s mouth for this wonderful feast.
Some people are like, “Hey, Pete, won’t you have to go to therapy?” I’m like, “Yeah, but guess who could afford therapy now?”[Cut to Pete Davidson and Michael Che]
Michael Che: Supply and demand. Pete Davidson, everybody!