Colin Jost
Michael Che
Stefon.. Bill Hader
[Starts with Michael Che in his news set.]
Michael Che: Its autumn in New York, which means millions of tourists will be heading to the city to see the big apple and it’s new mayor have to offer. Here is some tips as our Weekend Update’s city correspondence, Stefon.
[Stefon slides in]
[cheers and applause]
[Cut to Colin Jost, Michael Che and Stefon]
Colin Jost: Thanks so much for joining us Stefon.
[Stefon looks here and there.]
[Cut to Stefon]
Stefon: How long have I been in anesthesia?
[Cut to Colin Jost, Michael Che and Stefon]
Michael Che: Oh, a lot has changed, you know. Colin and I host Weekend Update now.
[Cut to Stefon]
Stefon: Hmm, on of each.
[Cut to Colin Jost, Michael Che and Stefon]
I like it.
Michael Che: Now, a lot of tourists want to check out what mayor Di Blasio’s New York has to offer. Are there any fun spots for them?
Stefon: Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Barack, Mit.
Michael Che: Come on, man!
[Cut to Stefon]
Stefon: If you’re looking for berserk night out in the new New York, I know just the place for you. New New York’s hottest club is Wimsy. Condemned by glad and EPA from ghost busters. This old wet band aid found in a Jacuzzi is a kind of place that makes you feel weird the next time you see your parents. This plae has everything. Kufi hats, congos, MTV’s Dan Cortese. And that TV channel at the hotel, that’s like about the hotel.
The vibrant side is strange yet familiar. Like, when you see billboards for sign filled rewinds in a Puerto Rican neighborhood.
Yo Swe Kastanje, weeknights at 66:thirty.
[Cut to Michael Che and Stefon]
Michael Che: Fine. Real quick. How is Seth doing? Did he come with you?
Stefon: No, he’s at home practicing how to sit behind a desk.
Michael Che: So, I think the club you were describing might not be for everybody. Do you have any other recommendations for folks looking for like a more wholesome New York experience?
[Cut to Stefon]
Stefon: Yes, yes. If you are some dumb folks looking to just get murdered, I know just the place for you. New New York’s hottest club is Jan’s New Big Pic. Discovered by lackluster gay realtor named Anthony who is late for every viewing. This park’s slope slap bucket gives new meaning to the question. Is that the little woman who played the principal in Kindergarten Cop? This place has everything. Espestes, lupes, magazines of Super Cuts, Dan Cortese, a doorman who always high-fives children of divorce, a building that you can tell used to be McDonald’s. And if the bar isn’t your scene, head downstairs to see the Prosac Dobe Brothers.
[Cut to Michael Che and Stefon]
Michael Che: What are the Prosac Dobe Brothers?
[Cut to Stefon]
Stefon: It’s that thing of when a woman in a depression commercial gets better at the end, so they show her at a smooth jazz concert.
[Cut to Michael Che and Stefon]
Michael Che: Stefon, I know New York has changed with the new mayor but there’s gotta be a few upscale places for people to check out.
Stefon: Okay, yes, yes. Witsy stuff.
[Cut to Stefon]
If you’re well to do and you just gotta hunt humans, I know just the place for you. New New York’s hottest club is [Stefon makes an unusual sound] Located where Donald Trump Jr.’s chin should have been. His wealthy wack-sack opened it’s doors and the two hours between when Pharaoh Faucet and Michael Jackson died. Needless to say, this place has everything. Skunks, key fobs, cookie crisps, Dan Cortese, that backroom at footlocker that employees disappear into. There’s even an after hour’s bar filled with human defubilators.
[Cut to Michael Che and Stefon]
Michael Che: What is human defubilators?
[Cut to Stefon]
Stefon: It’s a thing of when your friend is having heart attack, so you take two midgets and you rub them on the carpet for electricity and then they yell, “Clear! Jhoodosh!”
[Cut to Michael Che and Stefon]
Michael Che: Alright, look Stefon, I appreciate what you’re trying to do here and I know you’re a friend of Update, but I think you should go.
Stefon: You’re right. I should go. The husband wants to drive up to wedding tomorrow to look for houses.
Michael Che: Wait a second. You’re looking for houses? You’re not drinking or eating sushi? Stefon, is there something that you want to tell us?
[Cut to Stefon]
Stefon: I’m pregnant!
[Cut to Colin Jost, Michael Che and Stefon]
Michael Che: Congratulations.
Stefon: Thank you so much. I’d like, you know, if we keep it.
Michael Che: Stefon, everybody! For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che!
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Good night.
