Barbara Dudoo… Kate McKinnon
Ashley… Amy Adams
[Starts with Barbara and Ashley speaking for an ad.]
Barbara: Cat.
Ashley: A Cat is a treasure you hold with your heart.
Barbara: A Cat is a glass of champagne, but it’s a Cat.
Ashley: Cats have paws, claws and zero flaws.
Barbara: So come on down for a holiday cat giveaway, here at “Whiskers R’ We.” Hi, I’m Barbara Dudoo.
Ashley: And I’m Ashley, Barbara’s new girlfriend.
Barbara: Shh, cats don’t have to know our business.
Ashley: Many of these rescued cats come from owners who didn’t value their specialness.
Barbara: Lets meet some of our most eligible Cat-chlors, shall we?
[Barbara pulls up a kitten]
This is Harisa. She is a British short haired. So, she used the looter box.
[Barbara and Ashley laugh]
Cat puns are fun.
Ashley: You’re fun.
Barbara: Oh, stop. Moving right along. For those of you sex and the city fans [Barbara gets a big cat] we call her Samantha because she has a wicked sense of humor and she’s 55 years old.
Ashley: She’s going through mano-paws. P-A-W-S.
[Barbara carries another kitten]
Barbara: We call this cat, Cat-Steven. Because he has a beautiful voice and because he recently converted into hardcore Islam.
[Ashley caresses Barbara’s cleavage.]
Ashley: Oops, you got a little hair right there.
Barbara: Oh, stop. Don’t fuss with that. I’m wearing falsies for the commercial. Come on.
[Barbara carries another kitten]
This is Toby. Toby is a textbook narcissist. He’s incredibly manipulative and deceitful but I guess I’m the dummy for giving him power of attorney.
Ashley: Toby goes for long walks at night and he won’t tell us where he has been.
Barbara: Last night, he came home wearing a wrist band from an Adam Lambert concert.
[Barbara brings in another big cat]
Whoops! Bobo is out of this world. By which I mean he is maybe definitely an alien. We found him in a glowing pit in the ground. If you’re watching this on his planet, please come and get him. We’re running out of methane and that’s all he likes to breathe.
[Ashley starts touching Barbara’s breasts]
Ashley: He’s still fun to pet though.
Barbara: Ashley! I think you know where the cat ends and my boobs begin. Thank you very much. Oh, my goodness. [Barbara carries another kitten] This is Don.
Ashley: This cat thinks he’s people and I’m not sure he’s wrong.
Barbara: It’s something in the eyes. And in the way he looks at me in the eyes and says, “Help me, Barbara. My name is Donald Berk. I am not a cat, I am a man. I am a man!”
So come on down to our holiday cat giveaway weekend. With cat prices starting as low as we give you $twenty.
Ashley: Why won’t you say you love them?
Barbara: I wrote it down. What to you want? Come on down!
[Cut to Whiskers R’ We store]
Female voice: Whiskers R’ We holiday cat giveaway. See you there.
[cheers and applause]
