Mrs. Taylor… Venessa Bayer
Mr. Sentoro… Bobby Moynihan
Mr. Thompson… Kyle Mooney[Starts with a clip of animal hospital]
Cecily: Oh, my god! My hair is not doing what I wanted to do today.[Cut to Cecily, Chris and Kate behind the counter.]
Chris: Me neither. My hair as dry as a little triscuit.
Kate: My hair is like soup on a plate. It just ain’t right.
Cecily: Okay, well, let’s get to work because if we don’t do it, it’s gonna do us.
Kate: Okay. Now, hand me my clipboard. Thank you. Mrs. Taylor?[Cut to Mrs. Taylor]
Mrs. Taylor: Oh that’s me.[Cut to everybody]
Kate: Now, you’re writing on your pet guinea pig, Mrs. Wonderful?
Chris: I can’t tell. I just love that name. And she has lived up to it Chris00%.[Cut to Mrs. Taylor]
Mrs. Taylor: Thank you. Are they bringing her out now?
Chris: They are ma’am. She will be out here in just a moment.[Cut to Cecily and Mrs. Taylor]
Cecily: And we just want to let you know that when they do bring her out here, she will be dead.
Mrs. Taylor: What? Mrs. Wonderful is dead?[Cut to everybody]
Chris: Yes, ma’am. But please don’t worry. She did go very slowly.
Mrs. Taylor: She was here for a toe-nail trim.
Kate: Oh, we know. And her nails look great!
Chris: But she is dead.
Cecily: Okay, so I’m just gonna need to sign these papers.
Mrs. Taylor: Okay, what are these papers for?
Chris: It just says that your guinea pig died and that you know that.
Cecily: Okay, so right here it says, do you know it? We’re gonna need you to print the English word, ‘Yes’.
Mrs. Taylor: Well, can I at least say goodbye.
Cecily: Well, look at you. Of course you can. Come here. [Cecily hugs Mrs. Taylor] Oh, my gosh![Chris hugs Mrs. Taylor]
Chris: I’ll miss you so much.
Kate: Bye, bye now.
Mrs. Taylor: I don’t believe this.
Cecily: I really like her. She seemed like a new person.[Mr. Sentoro walks in]
Mr. Sentoro: Excuse me, hi. I just came to check on my parrot.
Kate: Oh, hello. Are you Mr. Sentoro?[Cut to Mr. Sentoro]
Mr. Sentoro: Yes, thank you so much for taking her on such short notice.[cut to Kate and Chris]
Chris: Well, your parrot has been a dream.
Kate: Were you the one who taught her how to say ‘Pizza, pizza’?[Cut to Mr. Sentoro]
Mr. Sentoro: [laughing] I wish. No. She learned that from TV.[Cut to Chris and Kate]
Chris: Cute. Well, she’s been saying that all day long.[Cut to Cecily and Mr. Sentoro]
Cecily: She has. Pizza, pizza. Those were her last words.
Mr. Sentoro: What?[Cut to Chris and Kate]
Chris: Pizza, pizza. And then nothing.[Cut to Cecily and Mr. Sentoro]
Mr. Sentoro: What do you mean?
Cecily: Your bird is dead and we need you to fill out this form.
Mr. Sentoro: How did she die?[Cut to everybody]
Kate: I’m afraid she was birdered!
Mr. Sentoro: What?
Chris: That is what happens when a bird is murdered.
Mr. Sentoro: This can’t be happening.
Cecily: I know. I am so sorry. Okay, so we just need you to sign this form. It says, “My pet was birdered and there’s nothing I can do about it.”
Mr. Sentoro: This is the worst vet hospital I’ve ever been in.
Cecily: What? [Mr. Sentoro runs away] Well, I think he took that pretty good. Mr. Thompson, you waiting to see the doctor?[Mr. Thompson walks in]
Mr. Thompson: Yeah. I think my turtle has a rash.
Chris: I can see it. Poor baby. Hey, I’m gonna take him to the doctor, okay?[Chris takes the turtle away]
Cecily: I bet it won’t take long.[Chris walks back in in with a hospital bed with Mr. Thompson’s turtle covered with a white cloth.]
Chris: Okay, we’re back, I just need you to identify the body.[Cut to Mr. Thompson]
Mr. Thompson: What? My turtle is dead?[Cut to everybody]
Kate: Well, hang on. Let me see. [Kate knocks the turtle shell] I knocked and nobody is home.
Cecily: So, I’m just gonna need you to sign this form. It says, “They bundled my turtle in a little blanket and they gave it to me and I left.”
Mr. Thompson: I can’t believe my turtle’s dead.
Chris: Oh, believe it. [Chris throws the white cloth away and starts shaking the turtle.] Here you go.
Mr. Thompson: This is inexcusable.[Mr. Thompson takes the turtle from Chris]
Kate: Well, at least you know he wasn’t turtered. That’s when turtles get murdered.
Cecily: Well, we know that. Alright, y’all. You know what? I need a drink.
Kate: Me too.
Chris: Me too, three.
Cecily: Okay, you know, you are crazy.[Cecily, Chris and Kate wear hats and walk out.]
Chris: I know.