Worst Vet Office Ever

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Cecily Strong

Chris Prtt

Kate McKinnon

Mrs. Taylor… Venessa Bayer

Mr. Sentoro… Bobby Moynihan

Mr. Thompson… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with a clip of animal hospital]

Cecily: Oh, my god! My hair is not doing what I wanted to do today.

[Cut to Cecily, Chris and Kate behind the counter.]

Chris: Me neither. My hair as dry as a little triscuit.

Kate: My hair is like soup on a plate. It just ain’t right.

Cecily: Okay, well, let’s get to work because if we don’t do it, it’s gonna do us.

Kate: Okay. Now, hand me my clipboard. Thank you. Mrs. Taylor?

[Cut to Mrs. Taylor]

Mrs. Taylor: Oh that’s me.

[Cut to everybody]

Kate: Now, you’re writing on your pet guinea pig, Mrs. Wonderful?

Chris: I can’t tell. I just love that name. And she has lived up to it Chris00%.

[Cut to Mrs. Taylor]

Mrs. Taylor: Thank you. Are they bringing her out now?

[Cut to everybody]

Chris: They are ma’am. She will be out here in just a moment.

[Cut to Cecily and Mrs. Taylor]

Cecily: And we just want to let you know that when they do bring her out here, she will be dead.

Mrs. Taylor: What? Mrs. Wonderful is dead?

[Cut to everybody]

Chris: Yes, ma’am. But please don’t worry. She did go very slowly.

Mrs. Taylor: She was here for a toe-nail trim.

Kate: Oh, we know. And her nails look great!

Chris: But she is dead.

Cecily: Okay, so I’m just gonna need to sign these papers.

Mrs. Taylor: Okay, what are these papers for?

Chris: It just says that your guinea pig died and that you know that.

Cecily: Okay, so right here it says, do you know it? We’re gonna need you to print the English word, ‘Yes’.

Mrs. Taylor: Well, can I at least say goodbye.

Cecily: Well, look at you. Of course you can. Come here. [Cecily hugs Mrs. Taylor] Oh, my gosh!

[Chris hugs Mrs. Taylor]

Chris: I’ll miss you so much.

Kate: Bye, bye now.

Mrs. Taylor: I don’t believe this.

[Mrs. Taylor walks away]

Cecily: I really like her. She seemed like a new person.

[Mr. Sentoro walks in]

Mr. Sentoro: Excuse me, hi. I just came to check on my parrot.

Kate: Oh, hello. Are you Mr. Sentoro?

[Cut to Mr. Sentoro]

Mr. Sentoro: Yes, thank you so much for taking her on such short notice.

[cut to Kate and Chris]

Chris: Well, your parrot has been a dream.

Kate: Were you the one who taught her how to say ‘Pizza, pizza’?

[Cut to Mr. Sentoro]

Mr. Sentoro: [laughing] I wish. No. She learned that from TV.

[Cut to Chris and Kate]

Chris: Cute. Well, she’s been saying that all day long.

[Cut to Cecily and Mr. Sentoro]

Cecily: She has. Pizza, pizza. Those were her last words.

Mr. Sentoro: What?

[Cut to Chris and Kate]

Chris: Pizza, pizza. And then nothing.

[Cut to Cecily and Mr. Sentoro]

Mr. Sentoro: What do you mean?

Cecily: Your bird is dead and we need you to fill out this form.

Mr. Sentoro: How did she die?

[Cut to everybody]

Kate: I’m afraid she was birdered!

Mr. Sentoro: What?

Chris: That is what happens when a bird is murdered.

Mr. Sentoro: This can’t be happening.

Cecily: I know. I am so sorry. Okay, so we just need you to sign this form. It says, “My pet was birdered and there’s nothing I can do about it.”

Mr. Sentoro: This is the worst vet hospital I’ve ever been in.

Cecily: What? [Mr. Sentoro runs away] Well, I think he took that pretty good. Mr. Thompson, you waiting to see the doctor?

[Mr. Thompson walks in]

Mr. Thompson: Yeah. I think my turtle has a rash.

Chris: I can see it. Poor baby. Hey, I’m gonna take him to the doctor, okay?

[Chris takes the turtle away]

Cecily: I bet it won’t take long.

[Chris walks back in in with a hospital bed with Mr. Thompson’s turtle covered with a white cloth.]

Chris: Okay, we’re back, I just need you to identify the body.

[Cut to Mr. Thompson]

Mr. Thompson: What? My turtle is dead?

[Cut to everybody]

Kate: Well, hang on. Let me see. [Kate knocks the turtle shell] I knocked and nobody is home.

Cecily: So, I’m just gonna need you to sign this form. It says, “They bundled my turtle in a little blanket and they gave it to me and I left.”

Mr. Thompson: I can’t believe my turtle’s dead.

Chris: Oh, believe it. [Chris throws the white cloth away and starts shaking the turtle.] Here you go.

Mr. Thompson: This is inexcusable.

[Mr. Thompson takes the turtle from Chris]

Kate: Well, at least you know he wasn’t turtered. That’s when turtles get murdered.

Cecily: Well, we know that. Alright, y’all. You know what? I need a drink.

Kate: Me too.

Chris: Me too, three.

Cecily: Okay, you know, you are crazy.

[Cecily, Chris and Kate wear hats and walk out.]

Chris: I know.

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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