Ditt Mayer… Bobby Moynihan
Lindy Paderson… Kate McKinnon
Vena Gaditchy… Cecily Strong
Lily Gilford… Miley Cyrus
Nasty Jack… Kenan Thompson[Starts with a board that says, “Homecoming dance tonight”.] [Cut to the homecoming party. People are dancing.]
Ditt Mayer: Hey, you guys wanna go drop cherry bombs in the toilets?
Taran: Hey, buzz off, Ditt Mayer!
Ditt Mayer: Ah! Your loss![Ditt leaves]
Jon: Wow, fellas! Look at all these girls, man!
Kyle: Get a load of Lindy Paderson.[Cut to Lindy Paderson standing alone and smiling] [Cut to the boys]
Taran: Now, look at Vena Gaditchy.
She’s so bad. Uh-huh!
Jon: I got my people set on the new girl. Lily Gilford.[Cut to Lily Gilford smiling] [Cut to the boys]
Oh! She’s out of this world.
Kyle: Well, gentlemen, what are we waiting for?[Cut to everybody] [happy music playing] [singing] I need a girl who aces her classes [Cut to Lindy coming in dancing]
Lindy: I need a guy, who would love my glasses
Kyle: We both wear specs so it’s easy to see
Kyle and Lindy: That you’re the one for me.[Kyle and Lindy dance away and Taran steps in]
Taran: I need a girl who feels good being bad[Vena walk in singing]
Vena: You got a like. Shh! Don’t tell my dad.
Taran: Your pops won’t know about half the stuff we do
Taran and Vena: Coz I’m the one for you[Taran and Vena dance away and Jon steps in]
Jon: I need a girl who will be true to me[The music beat changes to a hard hiphop beat]
Lily: [rapping] I want to crush them all your rock
sprinkle on your jock at the parking lot, give you little glitter
eat it, smoke it like creator, sprinkles on my kushy cat
keep, keep my booty tap
What?[music stops. Lily starts acting shy again.] [Cut Taran and Vena. They are speechless.]
Taran: Um, she’s from Montana, right?
Vena: I don’t think she’s been from Montana in a long time.[the happy music playing] [Cut to Kyle and Lindy dancing]
Lindy: Before we kiss, I need to wear your pants
Kyle: All your’s.[Cut to Taran and Vena dancing]
Vena: All I ride is the only car I ride in
Taran: Mustang![Cut to Jon and Lily] [The music beat changes to a hard hiphop beat]
Lily: [rapping] You wanna date me?
you gotta chill with my friend, his name is Nasty Jack[Nasty Jack walks in]
Nasty Jack: I’m fulfilling!
Lily: We do everything together,
now just that Jack wants to have sex
Nasty Jack: Hell yeah! Can’t we?
Lily: And we’ll probably have sex with Nasty Jack too.
Nasty Jack: Oh! It’s gonna happen!
Lily: I watched him turn and eat gummy bears
and it’s her, you heard! So, uh!
Nasty Jack: So, we dating or what?
Jon: Wow, jeez! I don’t know if I wanna go all the way with you and Nasty Jack.[Ditt runs in]
Ditt Mayer: Oh, cherry bomb![Ditt runs away] [Cut to Kyle and Lindy singing and dancing]
Kyle: Scoob, scoob, schooby-doo-dupap!
Lindy: Bam, bam, bapa-bapa-bapa-bapa[Cut to Taran and Vena singing and dancing]
Vena: Boong, bang, rama-lama-bingidi-bong![Cut to Jon, Lily and Nasty Jack]
Jon: Shang-shang–[Lily purs cream on Jon’s face and starts licking it]
Oh, my gosh!
Okay! Okay! Okay! Can we stop? Okay, time out! Alright?
Nasty Jack: Too late. We going steady now!
Lily: Come on!
Jon: Okay![Jon and Lily sit on a toy horse. Everyone else starts dancing.] [Jon, Lily and Nasty Jack leave]