Jerry … Kyle Mooney[Starts with Ford’s Theatre]
Kenan: Alright, we’ll bringing first two in a moment.[Cut to inside the theatre. Kenan is speaking to Amy and Taran. Jerry is standing behind them.]
Thanks for filling in the day. Our regular Mary Todd is sick.
Amy: It’s exciting.
Taran: You’re gonna be fantastic. It’s a pretty simple reenactment. Just you and I pretend to watch the play, I say few lines, then Jerry comes, John Wilkes Booth, shoots me, you cry, we bow, that’s it. Alright, any questions?
Amy: Looking forward to hit the boards with you, man.
Taran: You’re gonna be great. Okay. Oh! Here comes the first tour.[Jerry walks out the door.]
Amy: Okay.[The audience walk in from the other door]
Kenan: Alright ladies and gentlemen. This is the very same box in which Mr. and Mrs. Lincoln sat on that faithful night of April 14th, 1865. Let’s now be transported. Back into time.[piano playing] [Cut to Amy and Taran]
Taran: Mary, I’m glad you convinced me to come to the theater tonight. We’ve won the war and I can finally enjoy a night out with my wife.
Amy: Yeah, I don’t know about that Ab. I got a bad feeling about this.
Taran: Ah! Well, let’s just enjoy the play.
Amy: No, you know me Ab, gotta trust my gut. something about this place gives me the creeps.[Jerry walks in from the door behind them and points a gun at Taran]
Jerry: I’m sick of this.
Taran: [scared] Ah!
Amy: I knew it![Amy punches Jerry on his face]
Amy: I don’t think so boo!
Jerry: What the hell?
Amy: You see that everybody. This guy is trying to come in here and blow my husband’s head off and have sex with me.
Jerry: No. No I did not.
Amy: And that’s how it happened, folks.[Cut to Kenan and the audience looking at Amy furiously]
Alright, have a great rest of the day in DC. [Cut to everybody] America’s only capital.
Oh, that was fun. You weren’t half bad yourself.[Amy pinches Taran]
Taran: Ah! What were you doing?
Amy: Um, spicing it up a little bit. Something I learned on the BK set.
Taran: The BK set?
Amy: Oh, they didn’t tell you? That’s weird. Yeah, I’m fresh out filming the Burger King commercial for those like, black burgers that are making everybody crap green. I had a ton of ad libs.
Taran: Okay, well just don’t do any of that for the next tour.
Amy: Ya, ya, Lincoln.[Kenan walks in with another group of audience]
Kenan: Alright, ladies and gentlemen. Let us now be transported back into time.[piano playing] [Cut to Amy and Taran]
Taran: Mary, for the first time in a long time, I feel it peace.
Amy: I wouldn’t get too comfortable there. Just saw John Wilkes Booth and he looked a little off.
Taran: Well, I’m sure it’s fine.
Amy: Well, tell that to my gut Lincoln.[Jerry walks in from the door behind them and points a gun at Taran]
Jerry: I’m sick of this.
Amy: I knew it. Duck Lincoln.[Amy punches Taran on his face again]
Ha-ha. Missed him, pecker head! You may be a great actor but you’re never gonna blow my husband’s brain out just to get in my pants.[looks at the audience]
What do we say folks? [clapping] Huh?[Cut to Kenan and the audience looking at Amy furiously] [Cut to Amy, Taran and Jerry]
Alright. Y’all have a great day in DC. Now, get out of here and never come back. Ha-ha-ha.[The audiences leave]
I never said this, but you suck at ad libs.
Jerry: We’re not supposed to ad lib.
Amy: Alright, well when I was on the BK set, all I was supposed to do was bite into a hamburger and go, “Umm.” But instead, I look straight into the camera and I said, “That’s a great black Halloween burger.” And I pretended I was choking to death. Everybody flipped out.
Taran: Here comes the next tour. Just please, be quiet.
Amy: Your wish is my command.
Taran: Shut up![Kenan comes in with another group of audiences]
Kenan: Let us now be transported to the past.[piano playing] [Cut to Amy and Taran]
Taran: I’m so glad to enjoy a night at the theatre.
Amy: [standing and yelling] Booth! Show your face! I know you’re out there. You hate my husband just coz he loves blacks.[Cut to the audiences. They are all African-American people.]
Kenan: I’m so sorry.[Cut to Amy and Taran]
Amy: Booth wants nothing more than to come in here and blow my husband’s head off and plow me, the most beautiful woman in the land. But I only plow one man and that’s Abraham Lincoln.[Jerry walks in hopelessly]
There’s that horny little piece of crap now!
Jerry: Come on!
Amy: Let’s show him he can’t plow me. Right folks?[Amy punches Jerry on his face again]
Jerry: Ah![Amy pulls off the fake mustache off of Jerry’s face]
Amy: Look at that. Just as I suspected. John Wilkes Booth, the very same son of a bitch who tried to blast my husband and plow me.[Amy takes a cigarette out of her bra and starts pretending like she’s smoking] [Cut to Kenan and the audience looking furiously]
Just another night in DC, folks.
Kenan: Hey, you can’t smoke in here.[Cut to Amy]
Amy: I’m not. I’m acting.[The End]