Advice To Running Hillary Clinton

Hillary Clinton

Young Hillary Clinton… Amy Poehler

Sarah Palin… Tina Fey

[Starts with Hillary Clinton talking to herself on a mirror in The Clinton Residence on Christmas Eve. She is wearing a robe.]

Hillary Clinton: [singing] I’m dreaming of a White House

Merry Christmas Hillary. Oh! In just eleven months you’re gonna finally get your present. No one can stop you now. The republicans are bozos, the DNC is sabotaging Bernie, I think you’re gonna sleep well tonight. Let me just get in my pajamas.

[Present Hillary Clinton opens her robe and inside, she is wearing her usual black dress and a blue coat, and a necklace.]

So relaxing. Perfect! Now let’s just get tucked in the bed in here. All nice and cozy. For a night of productive dreaming.

[Present Hillary Clinton suddenly falls asleep]

[smoke is coming from everywhere and someone is laughing]

Is someone there? I hear strong yet feminine laughter.

[Past Hillary Clinton appears in the smoke]

Past Hillary Clinton: Hillary, it’s me, Hillary.

[cheers and applause]

It’s me, Hillary from 2008.

Present Hillary Clinton: Hi Hillary. Hi Hillary.

Past Hillary Clinton: Hello Hillary.

Present Hillary Clinton and Past Hillary Clinton: Ah!

Past Hillary Clinton: You changed your hair.

Present Hillary Clinton: Yes, yes. People said I should so I did.[laughing]

Past Hillary Clinton: And your laugh is different too. It’s less joyful.

Present Hillary Clinton: Well, well, I’ve been through seven years more things. So… Here’s the little sneak peak. Benghazi.

Past Hillary Clinton: Who is Benghazi?

Present Hillary Clinton: [laughing] You young naive girl of 61. But don’t worry. It all works out. We’re about to be president.

Past Hillary Clinton: That’s actually why I’m here Hillary. To warn you. On Christmas eve, 2007, I was cocky too. And then someone named Barack Obama stumbled out of his soup kitchen with a basketball and cigarette and stole my life.

Present Hillary Clinton: I remember. I remember but it’s different this time. I’m running against Bernie never heard of him Sanders.

Past Hillary Clinton: What? Bernie? We love Bernie. He’s a great senator.

Present Hillary Clinton: [stopping Past Hillary Clinton] Bernie Sanders is a human Birkenstock. Mama’s got this presidency in the bag. So, we’ll pound to that.

Past Hillary Clinton: Let’s what to what?

Present Hillary Clinton: Oh, I’m sorry. That’s how I have to talk in 2015. Not enough to just work hard, we have to be cool but tough, soft but strong, sweet old lady but a sweet old lady that says, “Yas, queen!”

Past Hillary Clinton: Now, hold on Hillary. Even if you beat Bernie, aren’t you worried about the republicans? Who is their front runner?

Present Hillary Clinton: [laughing] I will tell you but only if you grab on to something to brace yourself because you are going to hit the f-ing floor.

Past Hillary Clinton: I’ll be fine. Just tell me.

Present Hillary Clinton: No, yet you need to hold on to something.

Past Hillary Clinton: Hillary.

Present Hillary Clinton: I am warning you.

Past Hillary Clinton: Just tell me.

Present Hillary Clinton: Donald Trump.

[Past Hillary Clinton falls down on the floor]

I told you.

Past Hillary Clinton: Oh, my god! We’re gonna be president.

Present Hillary Clinton: I know!

[smoke is coming from everywhere again]

What is this? Did you bring someone else with you?

[Sarah Palin appears in the smoke]

Sarah Palin: Oh jeez! Looks like I went through time and space again.

Present Hillary Clinton and Past Hillary Clinton: Hello Sarah.

Sarah Palin: Oh, what the heck. I landed in the bedroom of a lesbian couple.

Past Hillary Clinton: We’re not lesbians. We’re Hillary Clintons.

[Cut to Sarah Palin]

Sarah Palin: Oh, right. We ran for president together. Oh, you poor thing. I heard that after you lost you had to become a secretary.

[Cut to Present Hillary Clinton and Past Hillary Clinton looking furious]

Present Hillary Clinton and Past Hillary Clinton: Of State!

[Cut to Sarah Palin]

Sarah Palin: Oh god, that was a real fun election. I was paired up with that cute little John McKin fella. May he rest in peace I’m guessing.

[Cut to Present Hillary Clinton and Past Hillary Clinton]

Present Hillary Clinton: He’s alive.

[Cut to Sarah Palin]

Sarah Palin: I remember he was great. I remember he had that real funny saying. He said, “Sarah, you’re the worst thing that ever happened to me.”

[Cut to Present Hillary Clinton and Past Hillary Clinton]

Present Hillary Clinton: Sarah, that’s fun but can we focus? Coz I’m running for president again and I’m getting advice from the smartest woman I know.

Past Hillary Clinton: Me!

[Cut to Sarah Palin]

Sarah Palin: Well, jeez! I should be the one giving you advice coz in 2008, [Cut to everybody] I got a heck of a lot closer to the White House than this gal did.

[Past Hillary Clinton is walking forward to fight with Sarah Palin, but Present Hillary Clinton is stopping her.]

[Cut to Sarah Palin]

Sarah Palin: Here’s my advice. You gotta do what you believe in your spirit but also America, but not teachers and their fat liberal books, but also and even why worry about fast food wages with their status quo which is another Latin word, status quo. Meanwhile Americans are being taken for a ride and also the men can only ride you when your back is bent. So…

[Cut to Present Hillary Clinton and Past Hillary Clinton]

Present Hillary Clinton: Okay, well, thank you Sarah.

Past Hillary Clinton: Yeah, she’ll keep that in mind.

[Cut to Sarah Palin]

Sarah Palin: Also, if it gets too hard, just quit. Who cares?

[Cut to Present Hillary Clinton and Past Hillary Clinton]

Present Hillary Clinton: Who cares?

Past Hillary Clinton: Who cares?

Present Hillary Clinton: Who cares?

Past Hillary Clinton: Who cares?

[Cut to everybody]

Sarah Palin: Hillary, we should let you get going and get back to some sleep.

[Cut to Present Hillary Clinton and Past Hillary Clinton]

Past Hillary Clinton: Yeah, I need to get back to 2008 and send a bunch of emails.

[Past Hillary Clinton takes her phone out to send emails but Present Hillary Clinton takes away her phone and breaks it.]

Present Hillary Clinton: No!

Past Hillary Clinton: But Hillary, my secrets!

Present Hillary Clinton: Trust me, you’ll thank me later. Now ladies, before you go I know we’re all from different times and we have different politics but should we take a sec to do that thing we all love to do?

Sarah Palin: Oh heck yeah, Hillary!

Past Hillary Clinton: Let’s do it.

[rap music starts playing and all three of them start dancing.]

[The End]