Amy Schumer[Starts with SNL monologue intro.] [band is playing music one the stage]
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Amy Schumer.[Amy Schumer walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]
Amy Schumer: Thank you. Thank you very, very much. Thank you. [takes a mic] Oh, my gosh. I am so happy to be here. I’m hosting Saturday Night Live.[cheers and applause]
This is such a dream come true. I’m from New York. And some of you might know me from my TV show Inside Amy Schumer or my movie Trainwreck. I have an HBO special coming out a week from tonight. And people keep asking me, they say, “Amy, isn’t it exciting time for women in Hollywood? Is it? Isn’t it an exciting time for women?” And I’m like, “No.” The girl who played me as a little girl in Trainwreck, she is 9 years old. Her name is Devin. And she came up to me and at the premiere and she said, “I overheard my agent tell my mom that my cheeks are too big so I don’t get a lot of work.” But then I thought, well my cheeks made me look like you and I’m so grateful I have these cheeks. And so, I just kind of leaned down and I just said, “You know, [yelling angrily] but what does that mean, Devin? My cheeks are fine, Devin!” No. I was like, crying. I was like, [sobbing] “You’re gonna work forever.” But, we have to be a role model for these little girls coz who do they have? All they have literally is the Kardashians. And she doesn’t have a Malala poster in her room. Trust me. And is that a great message for little girls, the whole family of women who take the faces they were born with as like, a light suggestion. Is that right? No! And, we used to have Khloe. You know? Khloe was our’s, right? Whenever it’s a group of women, you identify with one of them, right? Like, with Sex and the City, you’d be like, “Oh, you know, I’m such a Samantha.” Right? If somebody’s like, “You’re more like a Miranda.” You’re allowed to be like, “Why don’t you kill yourself? Somebody name after rights.” But then Khloe, she has lost half her body weight. Like, Khloe just, she lost a Kendall. And we have nothing. I want good role model. I have an 18 month old niece and we’ve the exact same body. And I just gave her a bath. I’ve never given a baby a bath before. And so, I’m giving her bath and I’m washing her hair. She kind of has like, you know babies have male pattern baldness kind of. She looks like Benjamin Franklin right now. So, I’m just like, washing her little hair and then it occurred to me like, “Oh, I have to wash her butt hole and her vagina.” I hadn’t thought about that. It just kind of weird me out. I’m like, “You can do this Schumer.” You know? So I put Jessica Alba’s soap on my hand. Coz, you don’t want to support Jessica Alba coz she’s too pretty but it’s like, awesome soap it turns out. And I washed her butt hole. I didn’t go nuts. I washed it as if I was washing my own butt hole if I knew I wasn’t hooking up with anybody. You know? Like, I got to it. Sometimes you’re dating a guy and you have to like… you know. And then her vagina, I just… like a Tinder swipe. Just like a boop! Quick!
She’s got some good role models. I just met Hillary Clinton and yes, I was pretty psyched about that. [light cheers and applause] A little discouraging, your round of applause. But, I was like, “Oh, my god. I have to ask her a question.” I had a couple of minutes with her. So I was like, “Do you drink?” And she’s like, “Yeah, I do but it’s hard coz I’m busy.” And I’m like, “Me too. I get it.” And I’m like, “What do you drink?” And she was like, “Oh, vodka and beer and wine.” And I’m like, “What about tequila?” And she’s like, “Ah, I don’t really like tequila. I only drink it when my friends make me.” I’m like, “Make you? Who is hazing Hillary Clinton?” Like a rail shot of this tequila. “Take this shot you bitch!” Who is doing that?
I’ve been meeting all these famous people. I met Bradley Cooper. I get it. Some of the girls here are like, “He doesn’t do it for me.” I get it and you have a golden vagina and I celebrate you. But, he’s a kind of hot. Trust me when he’s front of you, you would just grab your ankles. You wouldn’t even mean to. You wouldn’t know what happened. You would say things you didn’t mean like, “Many holes fine.” Like you would just– That’s the kind of hot Bradley is. And so, I saw him at this event and I walked over and I was like, “Hey Bradley, good to see you. Sorry, I always shout your name.” Coz, he has a hearing loss I think from sniping. My sister thinks its funny for me to creep up on him and be like, [yelling] “Bradley.” She just likes it, so I do it. And so, I was like, “Okay, have a good night.” And he is like, “Oh, wait. Hang up.” And I was like, “Me?” I was like, “Well, I’m trash from Long Island. Why would you… I have a lower back tattoo.” He’s like, “No, sit.” And we keep talking and talking, and I keep giving him in and out like, “Alright.” And he’s like, “Hang out. How’s your sister?” I’m like, “You remember I have a sister?” People were like, “Bradley, let’s get a drink.” He’s like, “I’m talking to Amy. I’ll get–” That’s now how we talked. But you know what I’m saying. Three minutes I’m talking to him. And then the event started and I was like, “Okay, see you later.” And I walked away and I was like, “Am I dating Bradley Cooper?” I don’t know how Hollywood works but I’m pretty sure that I’m dating Bradley Cooper. And I changed my Facebook status. Probably it’s not complicated. I’m engaged to Bradley Cooper. And I was like, “It is an exciting time for women in Hollywood. It really is.”
Some of you may have heard, I got hacked. You definitely didn’t hear because they didn’t find anything they wanted. It was equal to someone breaking into your apartment being like, “No, we’re good. Later.” And so, the security guy, he was like, “We can re-trace their steps and see what they’ve had.” And was like, “Okay.” And I knew it was a naked picture. I’m 34, I haven’t taken a naked picture of myself in a long time because under this you can’t really tell but it just looks like a lava lamp. Things are just kind of like, moving around, not really finding a home. So, I was like, “What did they look at?” He’s like, “They looked at what you google. Do you wanna know what you google the most?” I was like, “I don’t know. Is it me?” He was like, “No. By far what you google the most is ‘Can I drink on these antibiotics?’, and ‘Do these antibiotics make my birth control worthless?'” So, I’m trash.
We’ve got a great show for you. The Weeknd is here. So, stick around, we’ll be right back.