Dan… Pete Davidson
George… Bobby Moynihan
Terry… Jay Pharoah
Plumber… Beck Bennett
Carpenter… Kenan Thompson
Piano Tuner…Kyle Mooney[Starts with Vanessa looking at the laptop]
Male voice: Shopping online is as easy as it gets. Wouldn’t it be great if hiring plumbers, carpenters and even piano tuners was just as simple? Now it is, with Aron’s list. With just a few clicks, you can find anyone from a handy man to a house cleaner.
Vanessa: Like Angie’s List?
Male voice: Sure! Except we offer prices 30% lower than our competitors.
Vanessa: Wow, where do you find these guys, Aron?
Male voice: Oh, I’m not Aron. Aron’s stands for the American Registry Of Nonviolent Sex offenders.[Cut to Vanessa looking at the plumber, carpenter and the piano tuner.
Male voice: Look, no one wants to hire the bad kind of sex offender. That’s why, Aron’s list only features nonviolent individuals who committed low level sexual misdemeanors. Like, streaking, public urination, missed the cutoff on statutory stuff, toilet camera and penis pranks. And their offender status makes them eager to find jobs of any kind.
Vanessa: Huh! So, do you have lawn specialist?[Cut to Dan, Lawn Care Specialist at the lawn]
Dan: I’m sorry and I’m ready to work.[Cut to Vanessa]
Vanessa: What about janitors for my small business?[Cut to George, Janitor with his mop]
George: There are literally thousands of us.[Cut to Vanessa]
Vanessa: Even dog walkers?[Cut to Terry, Dog Walker]
Terry: I’ll do it
Male voice: And they’ll always be up front about their offenses.[Cut to Dan]
Dan: I exposed myself on a jumbotron. Ha-ha. Take that kiss-cam![Cut to George]
George: I peed on all the file cabinets marked P.[Cut to Vanessa with plumber, carpenter and the piano tuner in her house]
Vanessa: Wow, where have you guys been all my life?
Plumber: Let’s just say living in a tent village under the highway.
Male voice: Aron’s list. Because the real crime is high prices.