Aron’s List

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Vanessa Bayer

Dan… Pete Davidson

George… Bobby Moynihan

Terry… Jay Pharoah

Plumber… Beck Bennett

Carpenter… Kenan Thompson

Piano Tuner…Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Vanessa looking at the laptop]

Male voice: Shopping online is as easy as it gets. Wouldn’t it be great if hiring plumbers, carpenters and even piano tuners was just as simple? Now it is, with Aron’s list. With just a few clicks, you can find anyone from a handy man to a house cleaner.

Vanessa: Like Angie’s List?

Male voice: Sure! Except we offer prices 30% lower than our competitors.

Vanessa: Wow, where do you find these guys, Aron?

Male voice: Oh, I’m not Aron. Aron’s stands for the American Registry Of Nonviolent Sex offenders.

[Cut to Vanessa looking at the plumber, carpenter and the piano tuner.

Vanessa: What?

Male voice: Look, no one wants to hire the bad kind of sex offender. That’s why, Aron’s list only features nonviolent individuals who committed low level sexual misdemeanors. Like, streaking, public urination, missed the cutoff on statutory stuff, toilet camera and penis pranks. And their offender status makes them eager to find jobs of any kind.

Vanessa: Huh! So, do you have lawn specialist?

[Cut to Dan, Lawn Care Specialist at the lawn]

Dan: I’m sorry and I’m ready to work.

[Cut to Vanessa]

Vanessa: What about janitors for my small business?

[Cut to George, Janitor with his mop]

George: There are literally thousands of us.

[Cut to Vanessa]

Vanessa: Even dog walkers?

[Cut to Terry, Dog Walker]

Terry: I’ll do it

Male voice: And they’ll always be up front about their offenses.

[Cut to Dan]

Dan: I exposed myself on a jumbotron. Ha-ha. Take that kiss-cam!

[Cut to George]

George: I peed on all the file cabinets marked P.

[Cut to Vanessa with plumber, carpenter and the piano tuner in her house]

Vanessa: Wow, where have you guys been all my life?

Plumber: Let’s just say living in a tent village under the highway.

[Everybody laughing, while carpenter takes a picture of Vanessa’s under skirt using a selfie stick.]

Male voice: Aron’s list.  Because the real crime is high prices.

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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