Brian Fellows


Brian Fellow… Tracy Morgan

Patrick McGrath … Pete Davidson

Jenny Shamberg… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Brian Fellow’s SAFARI PLANET intro]

Intro song: [singing] He loves animals and they love him back
inter-species friends, we ain’t kidding that
Brian Fellow’s SAFARI PLANET
Brian Fellow’s SAFARI PLANET

Male voice: Brian Fellow is not an accredited zoologist, nor does he hold an advanced degree in any of the environmental sciences. He is simply an enthusiastic young man with a six grade education and an abiding love for all god’s creatures. Share his love tonight on…

Intro song:

Brian Fellow’s, Brian Fellow’s
Brian Fellow’s SAFARI PLANET

[Cut to Brian Fellow]

Brian Fellow: Good evening and welcome to Brian Fellow’s Safar Planet. I’m Brian Fellow. [cheers and applause] We have two very special animal guests for you tonight. Both are hairy and have teeth. Please welcome my first guest beaver.

[two men bring in a beaver in a cage. One of the sit beside Brian Fellow]

Brian Fellow: And who are you?

[Cut to Patrick McGarth]

Patrick McGarth: Well, I’m Patrick McGrath and I work with North American mammals at the Bronx zoo.

[Cut to Brian Fellow looking speechless]

Brian Fellow: I’m Brian Fellow. Someone summon that beaver, he seems snotty.

[Cut to the beaver and Patrick McGarth]

Patrick McGarth: Oh, well, Hobiar here is far from snotty. Um, he is a hard working little robot. An adult beaver like Hobiar can chew through 400 pounds of timber in a single day.

[Cut to Brian Fellow]

Brian Fellow: So, what does he do with all the wood he steals?

[Cut to Patrick McGarth]

Patrick McGarth: Well, beavers make lodges. The world’s largest beaver lodge in Alberta, Canada is 850 yards long and can be seen from space.

[Cut to Brian Fellow]

Brian Fellow: That’s crazy.

[Cut to Patrick McGarth]

Patrick McGarth: I know, right? And beavers are definitely the builders of the animal world.

[Cut to Brian Fellow]

Brian Fellow: I’m Brian Fellow.

[Cut to Patrick McGarth]

Patrick McGarth: Yes, I know.

[Cut to Brian Fellow]

Brian Fellow: So, approximately, or average roughly, how many cigarettes does this beaver smoke in a day?

[Cut to Patrick McGarth]

Patrick McGarth: Um, zero.

[Cut to Brian Fellow]

Brian Fellow: My father was a builder. He smoked four packs a day. All his snotty builder friends smoked too. Marlboro lights.

[Cut to Patrick McGarth]

Patrick McGarth: Well, beavers don’t smoke Mr. Fellow. No animals smoke.

[Cut to Brian Fellow]

Brian Fellow: That’s a lie. I saw a monkey smoking a cigar on a funny video show. You’re a liar, skinny man. Stop telling lies on my show. Get out of here.

[Cut to Brian Fellow and Patrick McGarth. Patrick McGarth leaves with his beaver.]

I’m sorry about that. My show is about animals, not lies and slotty-ness. But I know my next guest doesn’t believe in that stuff either. He lives in a dessert and loves water. Please welcome, a camel.

[Jenny Shamberg brings in a camel and sits beside Brian Fellow]

Who are you?

Jenny Shamberg: I am Jenny Shamberg of the American Research Center, and a professor of veterinary science at Rutger’s University, as well as a co-president of the Burgan County Chapter of ASPCA.

Brian Fellow: Are you done?

Jenny Shamberg: Yes, I am.

[Cut to Brian Fellow]

Brian Fellow: I’m Brian Fellow.

[Cut to Jenny Shamberg and the camel]

Jenny Shamberg: And this is Elizabeth. Okay, she is fourteen years old and she came to us from Morocco.

[Cut to Brian Fellow]

Brian Fellow: That’s crazy. Now, most people hate camels. Why do you think that is?

[Cut to Jenny Shamberg]

Jenny Shamberg: Well, I don’t think that’s true actually.

[Cut to Brian Fellow]

Brian Fellow: That’s not an answer, Larry.

[Cut to Jenny Shamberg]

Jenny Shamberg: Okay, actually, that is an answer. I disagree with the premise of your question. I think people have a very positive view of camels because they’re dessert animals who…

[Cut to Brian Fellow. A beaver smoking cigarette appears in his mind and starts speaking to him.]

Beaver: You gotta make sure that this is supported by beaver boy. Or the whole thing is going to collapse. You listening to me, Brian?

[Cut to Jenny Shamberg speaking but inaudible. Patrick McGarth appears in Jenny Shamberg’s thoughts]

Patrick McGarth: Hey, I don’t know if you remember me but we were together in the green room at that animal show hosted by that crazy guy. I was too shy to come over and say hello but I remember thinking, “Damn, that’s girl’s fine.”
[Cut to the camel. It is thinking about a monkey smoking a cigar.] [Cut to Brian Fellow thinking about the smoking beaver]

Beaver: You are useless. Spending all damn day reading those wildlife magazine. How come you never got a girlfriend, Brian?

[Cut to Brian Fellow and Jenny Shamberg. Brian Fellow is saying something to the beaver.]

Jenny Shamberg: Wow, I’m sorry, did you just call me daddy?

Brian Fellow: No. I’m Brian Fellow. That camel’s navigate. What’s his name?

Jenny Shamberg: This is Elizabeth.

[Brian Fellow stands up]

Brian Fellow: We out of here, Elizabeth.

[Brian Fellow gets the camel’s lease]

Turn me next week when our guests will be a squirrel and a chicken.

[camel walks in front of Brian Fellow]

I can’t see, camel! I am Brian Fellow.

[The End]

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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