Career Day

Mrs. Riley… Leslie Jones

Teacher… Cecily Strong

Mr. Ronion… J.K. Simmons

Jake… Pete Davidson

Kyle Mooney

Sasheer Zamata

Fireman… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with a vet doctor speaking in front of the class in Career day..]

Mrs. Riley: Now, with kittens, it’s usually the cute ones that scratch you.

Teacher: Ah! Thank you Rachel’s mom, [Mrs. Riley goes back] for talking to us about being a veterinarian. [Cut to Teacher] Okay. Career day continues with Jake’s dad.

[Cut to the class. Everybody is clapping.]

Mr. Ronion: Thanks. [walks in front of the class] Hey, buddy!

Jake: Hey, dad!

[Cut to Mr. Ronion]

Mr. Ronion: Hi, I’m Mr. Ronion. And I am a Japanese messy boy. I know, what is that? Well, there is a small group of rich powerful Japanese women enjoy watching muscular older American men eat messy food in a sloppy almost childlike way. And I do that for a living.

[Cut to the students. Jake has his ears closed.] [Cut to Teacher]

Teacher: Um, we usually ask our parents to describe a typical workday. But it’s up to you.

[Cut to Mr. Ronion]

Mr. Ronion: I’d love to. On appointment days, I am driven to a huge empty mansion and ushered into a changing alcove where I disrobe and put on a pair of little boy’s underpants. I know, get out the giggles. I said ‘underpants’.

[Mr. Ronion opens his briefcase]

I also wear this bib. [Bib that says ‘Lil Missy’.] And this hat. [A little boy hat] [Cut to everybody]

Here, you guys can pass that around if you like.

[Mr. Ronion hands over the cap to the students.]

I then sit at a three small white table in a very small red plastic chair and eat a meal while the wealthy Japanese woman watches and silently judges me.

[Cut to Kyle raising his hand]

Kyle: What kind of food do you eat?

[Cut to Teacher]

Teacher: No, you know what? We don’t need to take up any more Mr. Ronion’s time.

[Cut to Mr. Ronion]

Mr. Ronion: No! Not a problem. Well, the food changes but it’s always sloppy. Overstuffed meatball sammies, beeforoni, a large hamburger that’s difficult to manage.

[Cut to Sasheer raising her hand]

Sasheer: Do you get a napkin?

[Cut to Mr. Ronion]

Mr. Ronion: Oh, I wish! No, no, no. Japanese messy boys are forbidden from using napkins. After I finish the meal, the woman stands and says “Kono Americahito moto kau”, which translates roughly as, “The American boy eats in the manner of a pig.” She then storms out and an assistant hands me $45,000 in cash. Any questions?

[Cut to everybody. Everybody including students and parents are raising their hands.] [Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: I forgot to ask Mrs. Riley. What’s the hardest part about being a vet?

[Cut to Mrs. Riley]

Mrs. Riley: Mean dogs. [turns to Mr. Ronion] Man, how the hell did you get a job like that?

[Cut to Mr. Ronion]

Mr. Ronion: Well, I was approached leaving my tennis club. A Japanese man in a suit was waiting in my car with a wooden box with a cocoon inside. And he said, “Careful this”, and split. Three weeks later, when the butterfly finally came out, hand to god, there was a piece of parchment attached to it’s freaking leg with an address on it. Jakie was there. You remember the butterfly, buddy?

[Cut to Jake being embarrassed]

Jake: Yap!

[Cut to Mr. Ronion]

Mr. Ronion: He’s embarrassed. So cute.

[Cut to Teacher]

Teacher: And, um, any more questions?

[Cut to everybody. One of the parents is raising his hand.]

Fireman: Hey, man. I don’t have a question but you get paid to eat like a pig. I mean, you’re my hero. And that’s coming from a fireman.

[Cut to Mr. Ronion nodding his head. His phone rings.]

Mr. Ronion: Oh! Getting a call on my work phone. Hey, do you guys wanna hear it?

[Cut to Mrs. Riley]

Mrs. Riley: Oh, please put that on speaker. Please.

[Cut to Mr. Ronion. He puts the phone on speaker.

Mr. Ronion: Yes, Mr. Nakomoto.

Guy on the phone: We really pick up a messy boy in 10 minutes. Today, barbecue rib. Client expect big mess.

Mr. Ronion: Got it, thank you sir.

[Mr. Ronion hangs up the phone]

Okay, um, [Mr. Ronion takes back his boy hat] well guys, I gotta run. Um, you heard the man. So, I guess if you have any more questions, Jakie can fill you in.

[Cut to Jake looking embarrassed]

Jake: Can’t wait.

Mr. Ronion: Oh, and tell your mom I’ll be eating dinner at work tonight.

Jake: Got it! Got it!

[Cut to everybody]

Fireman: Whoo! Living the dream, messy boy! Yeah! Messy boy!