Chris Hemsworth Second Monologue

Chris Hemsworth

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.]

[band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Chris Hemsworth.

[Chris Hemsworth walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Chris Hemsworth: Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Hello everybody. Anyways, fantastic to be back hosting Saturday Night Live. This is my second time here. First time I hosted was a while ago. In fact I think we have a picture of that experience.

[Cut to Chris Hemsworth’s picture form his previous SNL monologue.]

Oh my god! What was I wearing back then? Such a kid back then. It’s crazy seeing that photo. Now, I gotta say, I really feel at home now. I’ve been horsing around with the cast all week. Feels like I’m back in Australia. You know? Roughing out with my brothers and my dad. It’s like I’ve been hanging out with a bunch of Hemsworths, you know? In fact, we’ve got one just over here. [pointing at the audience]

[Chris Hemsworth walks to the audience] Pete! My man! Camera, let’s go. How are things man? High five!

[Pete gives Chris Hemsworth his hand for a high-five but Chris Hemsworth hits him on his nuts.]

Pete: Oh!

Chris Hemsworth: He loves it when I do that.

Pete: I don’t!

[Chris Hemsworth walks to the studio back stage]

Chris Hemsworth: You do. You do. [Chris Hemsworth walks to Bobby Moynihan] Bobby, Bobby, Bobby.

Bobby: Hey, man.

[Chris Hemsworth starts tickling Bobby hard]

Chris Hemsworth: You love tickles, huh?

Bobby: Oh! Oh! Too hard.

Chris Hemsworth: Oh, ya, you’ve got a bit of hair.

[Chris Hemsworth shows the hair he has pulled out of Bobby]

Here you go.

Bobby: Yeah, I’ll take that.

Chris Hemsworth: How many sketches you play in closing tonight?

Bobby: All of em’.

Chris Hemsworth: All of em? Yeah you are, baby.

[Chris Hemsworth walks to Kate McKinnon. She is talking on the phone.]

Kate! Kate the great, huh? Who is this? [pulls away the phone] Hello? Oh, no thanks. Goodbye. [hangs up the phone] Sorry, I think they hung up, whoever was on the phone.

Kate: It’s okay. It was Hillary Clinton.

Chris Hemsworth: Oh yeah? Good. Oh, give me an apple. You’ve got an apple?

[Chris Hemsworth takes an apple from the desk]

Hey! Becky boy! [Chris Hemsworth walks to Beck Bennett] What’s up baby?

Beck: Oh, my god! [Beck runs away from Chris Hemsworth. Chris Hemsworth hits Beck with the apple and he falls down.]

Chris Hemsworth: Ha-ha-ha-ha. My man. Look at that. You better run. Yeah, he loves it when I do that. We’ve doing that all week. Who else we’ve got? Who else is hanging around big Chris’s house? [Chris Hemsworth walks to Kyle Mooney. His hand is plastered.] Mooney, Mooney, my man. How’s the wrist?

Kyle: You fractured it.

Chris Hemsworth: Well, sorry about that buddy. Listen, congrats. I heard you bought some new real estate and you got yourself two acres.

Kyle: No. I don’t.

Chris Hemsworth: Are you sure? [Chris Hemsworth hits Kyle on his nuts]

Kyle: Oh!

Chris Hemsworth: You do now, don’t ya? You’re gorgeous man! You’re gorgeous.

[Chris Hemsworth is walking. There are pictures of people who have hosted SNL.]

The guys who have SNL past– [Chris Hemsworth sees his own photo] Oh, there we go. Who is that guy? Huh? I think these walls can talk. He’s got a coupleof stories, I’ll tell ya.

[Leslie Jones walks to Chris Hemsworth]

Ha-ha! LJ, LJ, what’s up?

Leslie: You touch me and I will beat your ass, Chris.

[Chris Hemsworth walks away]

Chris Hemsworth: Yeah, got it. Oh, shh.

[Chris Hemsworth walks to Aidy Bryant]

[yelling from behind] Aidy Bryant sucks!

Aidy: Ah! It’s too much buddy!

Chris Hemsworth: Come on. You wouldn’t hate it, would you?

Aidy: Yes, I would.

Chris Hemsworth: Yeah, you would. Alright. This is where ladies get changes in here. And I think Vanessa is.. [knocking at the cabin] Vanessa! You in here?

Vanessa: Yeah, I’m changing.

Chris Hemsworth: Oh, good. I got you that water here after.

Vanessa: Oh, thanks. You can just leave[[

[Chris Hemsworth pours the water on Vanessa from outside the cabin.]

Oh my god! Chris, I hate you!

Chris Hemsworth: Yeah, you’d hit it, wouldn’t you?

Vanessa: Yeah, I know.

Chris Hemsworth: Yeah, good. Alright. Let’s wrap it up. Come  down this way down the hall. Back here, you look at the door and say, “Open Sasheer!”

[Chris Hemsworth trips over something and falls on the door.]

Wait! That used to swing the other way. The joke’s on me, ain’t it? It’s funny, guys! You changed it up on me. Good.

[Chris Hemsworth walks to Colin Jost. He has papers in his hands.]

Colin, what have you got there? Some thing interesting?

[Chris Hemsworth slaps the papers down to the floor]

Ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Chris Hemsworth leaves. Colin picks up the papers.]

Michael Che: See you out there, nerd!

[Michael Che also slaps the papers down the floor]

Ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to Chris Hemsworth on SNL monologue stage]

Chris Hemsworth: And back home.

[cheers and applause]

Amazing back there. To be real, it’s very, very exciting to be back. We’ve got a great show tonight. Chance the Rapper is here. Awesome! Stick around and we’ll be right back.