Bobby Moynihan

Kyle Mooney

Prince… Taran Killam

Cinderella… Dakota Johnson

Cathyanne… Cecily Strong

[Starts with a Cinderella book. The book opens to the chapter ‘The Night of the Ball’.] [Cut to a hall where people are dancing]

Bobby: Way to the turn out for the ball, my prince.

Kyle: Beautiful young maidens from every corner of the kingdom have assembled in hopes of catching your eyes.

Prince: Yes, but it’s always the same. Big over-stuffed dresses. Big empty smiles. They bore me so.

[Prince looks at the door]

Wait, who is that.

[Cut to Cinderella in front of the door in a blue dress.]

Bobby: I don’t know. I have never seen her before.

[Cut to Cinderella walking down the stairs while Prince is looking at her.]

Prince: Well, she is ravishing. [Prince walks towards Cinderella] Madam, you are the most beautiful vision I have ever laid eyes upon. I must know your name.

Cinderella: Oh, no. I’m just a nobody from nowhere.

Prince: Oh, please. Please, do tell me your name. I think I’m in love with you.

[Cathyanne walks in the door. She is looking untidy. ]

Cathyanne: Wow! No, hold on, hold on buddy. You are moving way too fast.

Prince: Oh, I’m sorry. Is this your father?

Cathyanne: Oh, boy! Are you rude or what? No, I am a regular woman like Michelle Robama. Thank you very much.

Cinderella: This is Cathyanne. I hope it’s okay that I brought her. She works with me as a scullery maid at my step mother’s house.

Cathyanne: That’s just a temporary job until I can get back on my feet financially.

[Cut to Prince]

Prince: Um, how charming. Now, young lady, I do believe you are the most beautiful person here.

[Cut to Cinderella and Cathyanne. Cinderella is getting happy.]

Cathyanne: Wow! Right in front of my face? Okay, happy birthday Cathyanne!

[Cut to Prince, Kyle and Bobby]

Kyle: Madam, you must leave

Bobby: Yes, you are not properly attired for this ocassion.

[Cut to Cinderella and Cathyanne]

Cathyanne: Oh, you don’t like what I’m wearing? Well, you better look in the mirror. I’ve never seen pants that tight. [Cut to everybody] You better let them things breathe or you gonna lose them like my brother did. [Cut to Cinderella and Cathyanne] Now, the poor guy’s all twig, no barrels.

Cinderella: Okay, Cathyanne. This is the first I’m hearing of this. Your poor brother, my goodness. Maybe the prince could help.

[Cut to Prince]

Prince: Oh, no! What on earth could I possibly do about that? All I can say is condolences to your brother’s buries.

[Cut to Cinderella and Cathyanne]

Cathyanne: That’s gonna mean a lot him. You know, every little bit helps.

[Cut to Cinderella, Cathyanne and Prince]

Prince: Rather. Now, may I have this dance?

[Prince bows down]

Cinderella: Which one of us are you speaking to? Me or Cathyanne?

Cathyanne: Oh, please. Would you please get some self confidence? Okay, this is exactly why your step mother rocks the hell all over you. [talking to Prince] I’m sorry, you should meet this woman. I know you are royalty, but she is a real C-U-N-Thursday.

Cinderella: Cathyanne, may I speak with you for a minute? [Cinderella pulls Cathyanne away] Please look at me. Look how beautiful I am. I only get to be this until midnight and you are really eating up a lot of my time.

Cathyanne: Okay, that’s fair. That’s fair. Hey, the prince, come here.

[Prince walks to them]

Okay, she is ready to be with you. And don’t be rude, she is drag and disease free.

Cinderella: Cathyanne, no! What are you saying?

Cathyanne: Hey, you know what? I applaud you for getting those test done coz they are scary, okay? I got my HDTV test back and it was a freaking false negative. Talk about scary.

[Cut to Prince and Kyle]

Kyle: I’m sorry. Shall I physically remove her?

[Cut to Cinderella and Cathyanne]

Cathyanne: Oh, dang! This guy has had my number since I walked in here.

[Cut to Cinderella, Cathyanne and Prince]

Cinderella: Please, please, let her stay my prince. I know she comes on strong and she’s not exactly everybody’s cup of slop, but she is my only friend.

[Cut to Prince]

Prince: For you my dear, anything.

[Cut to Cinderella and Cathyanne]

Cathyanne: Oh, so if she wasn’t here, I’d be gone. Interesting. I will take note of that.

[Cut to Cinderella, Cathyanne and Prince]

Prince: Yeesh! Now, if I may have this dance.

Cinderella: It would be my pleasure.

[Cut to Bobby and Kyle]

Bobby: Maestro!

[music playing] [Cut to Prince, Cinderella and Cathyanne. Prince and Cinderella are dancing together, and Cathyanne is dancing alone beside them.]

Cinderella: This is the best night of my life.

Cathyanne: Yeah! My second best. Maybe third.

Prince: You have made me so happy.

[midnight bell sound]

Cathyanne: Oh, dang! You hear that clock? We got to get you out of here.

Cinderella: Oh!

Prince: Wait, where are you going?

Cinderella: I’m so sorry. I can’t stay.

Cathyanne: Yeah, five more bongs like that, she’s gonna like hell in a hamburger. You think my hair is stringing? I’m sorry girlfriend, you know it’s true.

Cinderella: Yeah!

Prince: Wait, please tell me your name.

[Cinderella and Cathyanne are rushing towards the door.]

Cinderella: I’m so sorry. There is no time.

Prince: Oh, please.

Cinderella: Ah! I wish I could, but there is no time.

Prince: Well, I mean, you could have said it by now.

Cinderella: No!

[Cinderella turns around and walks out the door]

Prince: All is lost. How will I ever find her?

[Bobby comes in]

Bobby: She left her shoe. [Bobby shows him white sneakers.]

Cathyanne: Hey! [Cathyanne walks in again] That is my shoe you freak! And I’m not going through these stairs again. So, come on! Throw it.

[Bobby throws the shoe to Cathyanne]

Okay, bye bye.

[Cathyanne leaves]

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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