Bobby Moynihan
Kyle Mooney
Prince… Taran Killam
Cinderella… Dakota Johnson
Cathyanne… Cecily Strong
[Starts with a Cinderella book. The book opens to the chapter ‘The Night of the Ball’.]
[Cut to a hall where people are dancing]
Bobby: Way to the turn out for the ball, my prince.
Kyle: Beautiful young maidens from every corner of the kingdom have assembled in hopes of catching your eyes.
Prince: Yes, but it’s always the same. Big over-stuffed dresses. Big empty smiles. They bore me so.
[Prince looks at the door]
Wait, who is that.
[Cut to Cinderella in front of the door in a blue dress.]
Bobby: I don’t know. I have never seen her before.
[Cut to Cinderella walking down the stairs while Prince is looking at her.]
Prince: Well, she is ravishing. [Prince walks towards Cinderella] Madam, you are the most beautiful vision I have ever laid eyes upon. I must know your name.
Cinderella: Oh, no. I’m just a nobody from nowhere.
Prince: Oh, please. Please, do tell me your name. I think I’m in love with you.
[Cathyanne walks in the door. She is looking untidy. ]
Cathyanne: Wow! No, hold on, hold on buddy. You are moving way too fast.
Prince: Oh, I’m sorry. Is this your father?
Cathyanne: Oh, boy! Are you rude or what? No, I am a regular woman like Michelle Robama. Thank you very much.
Cinderella: This is Cathyanne. I hope it’s okay that I brought her. She works with me as a scullery maid at my step mother’s house.
Cathyanne: That’s just a temporary job until I can get back on my feet financially.
[Cut to Prince]
Prince: Um, how charming. Now, young lady, I do believe you are the most beautiful person here.
[Cut to Cinderella and Cathyanne. Cinderella is getting happy.]
Cathyanne: Wow! Right in front of my face? Okay, happy birthday Cathyanne!
[Cut to Prince, Kyle and Bobby]
Kyle: Madam, you must leave
Bobby: Yes, you are not properly attired for this ocassion.
[Cut to Cinderella and Cathyanne]
Cathyanne: Oh, you don’t like what I’m wearing? Well, you better look in the mirror. I’ve never seen pants that tight. [Cut to everybody] You better let them things breathe or you gonna lose them like my brother did. [Cut to Cinderella and Cathyanne] Now, the poor guy’s all twig, no barrels.
Cinderella: Okay, Cathyanne. This is the first I’m hearing of this. Your poor brother, my goodness. Maybe the prince could help.
[Cut to Prince]
Prince: Oh, no! What on earth could I possibly do about that? All I can say is condolences to your brother’s buries.
[Cut to Cinderella and Cathyanne]
Cathyanne: That’s gonna mean a lot him. You know, every little bit helps.
[Cut to Cinderella, Cathyanne and Prince]
Prince: Rather. Now, may I have this dance?
[Prince bows down]
Cinderella: Which one of us are you speaking to? Me or Cathyanne?
Cathyanne: Oh, please. Would you please get some self confidence? Okay, this is exactly why your step mother rocks the hell all over you. [talking to Prince] I’m sorry, you should meet this woman. I know you are royalty, but she is a real C-U-N-Thursday.
Cinderella: Cathyanne, may I speak with you for a minute? [Cinderella pulls Cathyanne away] Please look at me. Look how beautiful I am. I only get to be this until midnight and you are really eating up a lot of my time.
Cathyanne: Okay, that’s fair. That’s fair. Hey, the prince, come here.
[Prince walks to them]
Okay, she is ready to be with you. And don’t be rude, she is drag and disease free.
Cinderella: Cathyanne, no! What are you saying?
Cathyanne: Hey, you know what? I applaud you for getting those test done coz they are scary, okay? I got my HDTV test back and it was a freaking false negative. Talk about scary.
[Cut to Prince and Kyle]
Kyle: I’m sorry. Shall I physically remove her?
[Cut to Cinderella and Cathyanne]
Cathyanne: Oh, dang! This guy has had my number since I walked in here.
[Cut to Cinderella, Cathyanne and Prince]
Cinderella: Please, please, let her stay my prince. I know she comes on strong and she’s not exactly everybody’s cup of slop, but she is my only friend.
[Cut to Prince]
Prince: For you my dear, anything.
[Cut to Cinderella and Cathyanne]
Cathyanne: Oh, so if she wasn’t here, I’d be gone. Interesting. I will take note of that.
[Cut to Cinderella, Cathyanne and Prince]
Prince: Yeesh! Now, if I may have this dance.
Cinderella: It would be my pleasure.
[Cut to Bobby and Kyle]
Bobby: Maestro!
[music playing]
[Cut to Prince, Cinderella and Cathyanne. Prince and Cinderella are dancing together, and Cathyanne is dancing alone beside them.]
Cinderella: This is the best night of my life.
Cathyanne: Yeah! My second best. Maybe third.
Prince: You have made me so happy.
[midnight bell sound]
Cathyanne: Oh, dang! You hear that clock? We got to get you out of here.
Cinderella: Oh!
Prince: Wait, where are you going?
Cinderella: I’m so sorry. I can’t stay.
Cathyanne: Yeah, five more bongs like that, she’s gonna like hell in a hamburger. You think my hair is stringing? I’m sorry girlfriend, you know it’s true.
Cinderella: Yeah!
Prince: Wait, please tell me your name.
[Cinderella and Cathyanne are rushing towards the door.]
Cinderella: I’m so sorry. There is no time.
Prince: Oh, please.
Cinderella: Ah! I wish I could, but there is no time.
Prince: Well, I mean, you could have said it by now.
Cinderella: No!
[Cinderella turns around and walks out the door]
Prince: All is lost. How will I ever find her?
[Bobby comes in]
Bobby: She left her shoe. [Bobby shows him white sneakers.]
Cathyanne: Hey! [Cathyanne walks in again] That is my shoe you freak! And I’m not going through these stairs again. So, come on! Throw it.
[Bobby throws the shoe to Cathyanne]
Okay, bye bye.
[Cathyanne leaves]
