Jan Krang… Aidy Bryant
MC Strategy… Kyle Mooney
Gary Lumus… Kenan Thompson
Baby… Amy Schumer
Caren… Leslie Jones
Rick… Pete Davidson[Starts with City Council Meeting]
Bobby: Alright. Motion to put a stop sign on Walnut Avenue passes.
Cecily: And we now begin the Baker’s Field citizens forum and invite members of the community to the podium.[Cut to Jan walking to the podium]
Jan: My name is Jan Krang.[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]
Cecily: Ms. Krang. Can you pull back from the microphone?
Jan: No! [Cut to Jan] I cannot. My grievance is with the teens who loiter in the Zappy’s lazer tag parking lot at night. They do wheelie, they smoke e-cigarettes, they dry hump in their cars. Now, I know they’re doing it because I can hear the sound of the denim on the denim.[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]
Bobby: Have you contacted Zappy’s management?[Cut to Jan]
Jan: Hundreds of times. And they have blocked my number. Now, all in favor of having Zappy’s parking lot bull-do say, “Yes, yes!”
Bobby: Um, Ms. Krang, we’re not voting on that. I suggest you file a formal noise complaint with the sheriff’s department.[Cut to Jan]
Jan: Jan Krang, J-A-N K-rang.[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]
Bobby: Yea, we have your name. Thank you miss Krang. Yess, hello sir.[cut to the podium. Jan leaves and MC Strategy walks to it.]
MC Strategy: [speaking with an accent] Hello, my name is MC Strategy of the Mythic Insight’s crew. I recently moved here from Holland because of the underground hip-hop community here. I want to make sure that musical act you fired for the fall carnival is not mainstream making cream, all about the money, fake MCs with store bought flows. May I suggest MC Strategy performs. The realist MC.[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]
Cecily: The city events committee handles the fall carnival. You can contact them through the city’s website.[Cut to MC Strategy]
MC Strategy: Thank you for being part of the movement. Real hip-hop.
Bobby: Yes. You’re very welcome. Yes, the man in the Halloween themed tie.[Cut to Gary. He’swearing Halloween tie and his jacket has a pumpkin on it’s right patch.]
Gary: Well, that’s me, scary Gary Lumus. As you know, the 31st of this month is all hallow’s eve where goons and goblins take to the streets for the spookiest nights. My question is, may I shut down 10 city blocks near my home for the march of 10 frights?[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]
Cecily: What is the march of 10 frights?[Cut to Gary]
Gary: A goolish parade of 400 freaky friends, ghosties, mummies, pumpkin people, and a host of haunts all armed with ooze cannons marches through the streets, singing a goolish chorus. It will truly be a fright… [Gary shows his hands. They’re hugs green and best like.] to remember. Monster hands![Cut to Bobby and Cecily]
Cecily: Yes, I see that. I’m sorry Mr. Lumus but we cannot close major streets for private events. Thank you. Yes, hello, the little girl. Hi there.
Baby: Hello. My name is Amy Berry Willer Schumer and I’m this many years old. [showing six fingers] Praise our lord Jesus Christ. He’s the best.[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]
Cecily: Aren’t you adorable. Do you have a question for us?[Cut to Baby]
Baby: Yes, babe. I was wondering if you could make recess longer at school.[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]
Bobby: Aw! I think that’s up to your school, sweetheart. Anything else?[Cut to Baby]
Baby: Yes! I wanna be allowed to bring my firearm to school.
Bobby: You own a gun?[Cut to Baby]
Baby: Yes, sir. A bunch. A very pro life. Also, could we make bible class to Jesus’s teacher. Also, could you pass a federal mandate to ban all gay marriage? It’s not natural. It’s not natural.[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]
Bobby: Okay. Okay. You’re freaking me out, so we’re gonna move on. Um, yes, hello ma’am. You.[Cut to Caren on the podium]
Caren: Hello. Okay, you can do this Caren. My name is Caren and I’m an alcoholic.[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]
Bobby: Oh, you know what? This isn’t– that’s not what this is.
Caren: Please don’t interrupt me. This is difficult for me. I’ve been sober now for 20 minutes. I decided to seek help because I was drinking on a job which was affecting my performance as a school bus driver.[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]
Cecily: Ma’am. This is not an alcoholic synonymous meeting. They meet here on Wednesday nights.[Cut to Caren]
Caren: For real? Man, I thought this was Wednesday.[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]
Cecily: Okay, someone find out what school she works in. Alright, hello there, young man.[Cut to Rick on the podium]
Rick: Wad up? I’m Rick. Um, you guys see Bieber’s dong?[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]
Cecily: Did.. Did.. Did we see Justin Bieber’s dong?[Cut to Rick]
Rick: Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was… It was alright, right?[Cut to Bobby and Cecily. Bobby is nodding his head and smiling]
Bobby: Yeah. I thought it was pretty good.
Cecily: I’m sorry. Do you have a question that pertains to a city related issue?[Cut to Rick]
Rick: No. I do not. Peace![Cut to Bobby and Cecily]
Bobby: Great! Well, that concludes the citizen’s forum. After party at Zappy’s guys? I think that would be a great idea.[The End]