Aidy Bryant
Bobby Moynihan
Sharon… Cecily Strong
Ms. Raperdy… Kate McKinnon
Tod… Ryan Gosling
[Starts with NSAs interrogating three citizens]
Aidy: I am agent Loris with the NSA and this is special agent Kerpatrick. Now we know, you’ve all been through quite an ordeal. So, we appreciate you making a trip to Washington on such short notice.
Bobby: Yes. You three experienced the first verified case of alien abduction. So, naturally you are great interest of United States government.
[Cut to Sharon, Ms. Raperdy and Tod]
Sharon: It’s nuts, man! I mean, we’re just small town buds who saw a UFO in the woods. I mean, we never hand out with the government.
[Cut to Aidy and Bobby]
Bobby: Okay, now, after the blue light pulled you into the space craft, what is your next memory?
[Cut to Sharon, Ms. Raperdy and Tod]
Sharon: I came to and saw a beautiful being made of like a beautiful calming light.
Tod: Yea, same here. That being touched my head and I felt every emotion in it’s purest form. It was amazing. I cried, sir.
[Cut to Aidy and Bobby]
Bobby: Okay. And you, Ms. Raperdy?
[Cut to Sharon, Ms. Raperdy and Tod. Ms. Raperdy is smoking a cigarette.]
Ms. Raperdy: Wow, what floor were you guys on? I woke up in a dirty middle dome and 40 little gray aliens watch me pee in a steel bowl. And they took the bowl and walked out.
[Cut to Aidy and Bobby]
Bobby: Interesting. Were these beings also bathed in light?
[Cut to Ms. Raperdy]
Ms. Raperdy: No. They were grey with big fat eyes, little mouths. They just stared while I peed. I don’t think I was dealing with the top brass.
[Cut to Aidy and Bobby]
Aidy: And how did they instruct you to urinate? Was that telepathically?
[Cut to Ms. Raperdy]
Ms. Raperdy: Um, no. I woke up, I had to pee like a camel. So, I started peeing and one of the grey aliens slapped the wall and pointed at the bowl. So I got the hint. I kind of duck-walked over the bowl, peed in it.
[Cut to Aidy and Bobby]
Bobby: Yes, I see. Now, when you all awoke, were you clothed?
[Cut to Sharon, Ms. Raperdy and Tod]
Sharon: I was wrapped in like, a robe, man. Warm, glowing energy.
Tod: Yeah, like a blanket made out of pure love.
Ms. Raperdy: Yeah, it worked different for me. Um, I had the shirt I came in with but my pants were gone. So, my cuckoo was out. It’s full porky pig in a drafty dome.
[Cut to Aidy and Bobby]
Bobby: Now, did you all stay on the same ship the entire time? Or…?
[Cut to Sharon and Tod]
Tod: Well, you know, my body did but my consciousness was shown what lies beyond time and space. [sobbing] It was so beautiful. I’m sorry, I’m just crying about this thing a little bit.
[Cut to Aidy and Bobby]
Aidy: Okay. Do you need a tissue?
[Cut to Sharon and Tod]
Tod: What? No. Sorry, I’ll use my shirt.
Sharon: Um, the aliens showed my mind the furness of all creation that we would call god.
[Cut to Ms. Raperdy looking at Sharon and Tod]
Ms. Raperdy: What? These fancy cats are seeing god. Meanwhile, I’m starting phase two which is me sitting on a stool while 40 grey aliens take turns gently batting my knockers. Did y’all get the knocker stuff?
[Cut to Sharon, Ms. Raperdy and Tod]
Sharon: No.
Tod: No.
Sharon: No knocker stuff. Sorry.
[Cut to Aidy an Bobby]
Aidy: And, did you feel threatened, Ms. Raperdy?
[Cut to Ms. Raperdy]
Ms. Raperdy: No, no, no, no, no. They were real respectful about it. They were in a line and then one by one, they’d step up, slap a knocker, and then go to the end of line and wait for another turn. It didn’t hurt. It was like, I’m sorry, pardon me Sharon. [Cut to Sharon and Ms. Raperdy. Ms. Raperdy starting patting Sharon’s breasts.] It was like that. No harm, no foul.
Sharon: It huts a little. It hurts.
[Cut to Aidy and Bobby]
Aidy: Perhaps they were collecting biological data?
[Cut to Ms. Raperdy]
Ms. Raperdy: No. No. It felt super off the books. I swear to god, there was one grey alien by a door just kind of peeking in and out. I think he was the look-out. Look, it’s one of my worst Wednesday night.
[Cut to Aidy and Bobby]
Bobby: And how did the aliens returned you all to earth?
[Cut to Sharon, Ms. Raperdy and Tod. Tod is laughing hard covering his mouth.]
Sharon: Oh, I was carried down gently. [Sharon looks at] He’s crying. I was carried down gently in a cradle of light placed into a soft bed of wallflowers.
Tod: Yeah. Yeah. The light layed me down like a baby in a meadow near my house. I was smiling and weeping tears of joy, sir.
Ms. Raperdy: Alright, now this miss me a little bit. Coz, my grand exit was out of what was basically like a big airplane toilet, okay? I dropped down seven feet on the roof of a long John Silvers. They threw out my pants separately. They missed the roof. My slacks landed on a freaking pine tree, 30 feet away. So, I had to just chill up there with my damn cuckoo hanging till the place open up.
[Cut to Sharon, Ms. Raperdy and Tod. Tod is laughing hard covering his mouth.]
Sharon: Man!
Tod: Man, you got screwed.
Ms. Raperdy: Oh, you think Tod?
[Cut to Aidy and Bobby]
Aidy: Well, we’d like to take you guys for physical examinations now.
[Cut to everybody]
Ms. Raperdy: Yeah, alright. There’s gonna be a knocker stuff?
Aidy: Possibly. I’m sorry.
Ms. Raperdy: Na-na. Don’t be. Just be gentle. Tell me about god. What’s god deal?
[The End]
