Brooke Baldwin… Cecily Strong
Jacklyn Jackson… Sasheer Zamata
Jake McKinsey… Bobby Moynihan
Dan Leman… Jay Pharoah[Starts with CNN Newsroom intro] [Cut to Brooke in her news set]
Brooke: Welcome back.I’m Brooke Baldwin and you’re watching the loose collection of daytime nonsense we call the CNN Newsroom. That means you’re either sitting in an airport or you’re at home flipping through the channels and you’ve had a small stroke. Today’s top story, as it’s been for the last 11 days, the Germanwings airplane that crashed in the French alps last week, joining us now from Lucerne, France is our own Jacklyn Jackson.[Cut to Jacklyn]
Jacklyn: Good to be here Brooke.[Cut to split screen of Brooke and Jacklyn]
Brooke: Jacklyn, can you tell us what exactly happened to that plane.
Jacklyn: Even better, I can show you using one of CNN’s animated reenactments. Now, apparently one of the pilots was locked out of the cockpit and couldn’t open the door which we believe looked something like this.[Cut to a bad quality animation of knocking the door.]
Brooke: So, that’s what it would look like if someone couldn’t open a door?
Jacklyn: Correct.[Cut to Brooke and Jacklyn]
Brooke: Amazing. Now, why did the pilot leave the cockpit in the first place?
Jacklyn: He was apparently going to the bathroom or [hand gesturing quote.] tinkling, which we believe might have looked something like this.[Cut to a bad quality animation of a man using the toilet.]
Brooke: Okay. So, that’s the pilot going to the bathroom? If you will?
Brooke: That’s extremely informative, Jacklyn. Thank you.
Jacklyn: Yeah. The real thanks goes to the animators who put this whole thing together. We were lucky to get the same team that did the Dire Straits Money For Nothing music video from 1985.
Brooke: Well, kudos to them.[Cut to Brooke]
Now, we hate to admit this here at CNN, but there are other stories happening in the world. Joining us from Switzerland where the US has negotiated a deal with Iran on nuclear weapons, it’s Jake McKinsey.[Cut to Jake]
Jake, what’s the latest on those negotiation?
Jake: Um, we couldn’t get any footage from the actual negotiations but once again, CNN has the next best thing.[Cut to reenactment of the meeting using puppets.]
A collection of puppets that can reenact what we think negotiations were like.
Brooke: Incredible. So, this is basically what it looked like.[The puppets are yelling at each other]
Jake: Yes, clearly a very heated debate on both sides.
Brooke: And the puppet with the larger hair?
Jake: Is Secretary of State, John Carey. Correct.
Brooke: Okay. [two puppets shake their hands] Oh! And this appears to be the moment the deal took place.
There’s a handshake and they’re celebrating.
Jake: Yeah. Lot of joyous moment. You know, these puppets are a great resources because again, these were closed door negotiations.[Cut to Brooke and Jake]
Brooke: And what does that mean? Closed door?
Jake: Um, I believe it looks something like this.[Cut to the bad quality animation of knocking the door Jacklyn used before.]
Brooke: Okay. A lot to think about. [Cut to Brooke] That’s the biggest story in foreign policy. But here in America, many are focused on this so called ‘religious freedom laws’, now being hotly contested in Indiana and Arkansas. We couldn’t get a CNN reporter in either of those states, but we might have something even better. A local performance art group has agreed to give us a general sense of what’s been happening in both those states.
So, as you can see, the customers who are in fact gay are approaching the store owner asking for goods and services and they’re being turned away. And I should say this again, this is not actual footage from Indiana. This is merely a highly accurate dramatization. Okay.[Now, the chef, gay man and gay woman are dancing together.]
Well, now it appears they’ve lost the thread of the story entirely and they’re pretty much just dancing. So let’s go ahead and mix in some random commentary from our own Dan Leman.[Dan appear at the bottom of the screen.]
Dan: Um, [his voice is auto-tuned] Black people need to pull up their pants. Bl-bl-bl-bl-black people need to pull up their pants- pull up their pants- pull up their pants.
Brooke: Hmm, that’s a nice touch. [Cut to Brooke] Great work all around by the CNN research team. Let’s take a quick break. When we return, has CNN obtained a video-tape that shows Hillary Clinton deleting her emails.[Cut to a cat wearing a sweater and pearl necklace using a computer]
Close, but that’s actually not Hillary Clinton. It’s a cat.
We’ll explain how, after this.[Ends with outro]