Paul Montane… Kenan Thompson
Mitch… Dwayne Johnson[Starts with Cooking with Paul intro]
Female voice: And now, it’s time for Cooking with Paul. [Cut to Paul cooking in the kitchen] Paul Montane is a James Beard Award winning chef. And a three times convicted sex offender.
Paul: Well, hello there folks. Today, we’re gonna be cooking my famous garlic mashed potatoes and rosemary time chicken. With me as always is my sidekick Mitch.[Mitch walks in]
Mitch: I’m not your sidekick, Paul I’m your probation officer.
Paul: We do banter though, don’t we?[Mitch stares at Paul]
Okay. Now, let’s start cooking. The first thing you need to do is boil some water. You gotta put the pot on the stove. Turn on the gas. That’s gonna take about five minutes. So, you gotta little time to kill. So, why don’t we go ahead and just pop around on the internet, check out some chat rooms.
Mitch: No, no, no, no. You are not allowed on the internet, Paul.
Paul: Okay. So, now we’re gonna sprinkle a little rosemary onto our chicken. That’s right. We’re gonna go ahead and pour on our saute onions. Yeah, I like that. Now, we’re gonna place that whole pan in the oven. Turn it up to 400 degrees and wait for it to turn brown.
Okay, now you let that sit for about 30 minutes. Got a little time. So, why don’t we go ahead and just pop around on the internet and meet a couple of buddies?
Mitch: No, Paul. Hell no.
Paul: I’m not doing anything. I’m just looking at Master Chef Junior.
Mitch: Those are not chefs, Paul
Paul: Okay. Now, let’s check on our pot of water. It’s boiling. So we need to put in the potatoes. Okie, dokie. [Paul puts the potatoes n the pot] We’re gonna let these sit for about four minutes. So we got a little time.
Paul: Pop around on the internet and meet some folks.
Mitch: No, no, no. That’s it. I’m taking this computer away.
Paul: Okay. [Paul takes out another computer] Dip, dip, dip.
Mitch: Paul! Paul!
Paul: Oh! Oh! Oh, no! I accidentally set it to 4,000 degrees instead of 400.[smoke is coming out of the oven.]
Mitch: Dammit, Paul. Call the fire department.
Paul: Okay. Calling the fire department. [Paul takes his phone out and dials a number looking at the computer.] 2125550187.[talking on the phone]
Hello, Mrs. Henderson. Is Billy at home?
Mitch: Paul! Paul! Hang up the phone.[Mitch comes in with a fire extinguisher and uses it in the oven.]
Paul: Mitch! You are no fun.
Mitch: Well, I’m not paid to be fun, Paul.
Paul: Well, that makes me sad you saying that.
Mitch: Well, it makes me sad that you hit it out in the well of a porter party just to take pictures of people’s butts.
Paul: Okay. Now, you know, let’s get our ingredients together. We’re going to put in our butter here. And then we’re gonna dump in some of this on top of that. Then we go on a computer and go to your favorite site–
Mitch: No, no! No!
Well, that’s all the time we have. We didn’t finish cooking the meal. But let’s all close our eyes and imagine what it tastes like.[Mitch closes his eyes] [Paul runs away]
Mitch: Hey, get back here!